What will I be posting

Hello everyone, I hope you are all staying safe. Today I thought do a super quick post telling you what my plans are for posts on this blog.

The plan is I will be writing a blog post on exactly what has happened after my admission to the hospital for 3 infections in May 2020. I will tell you about my worsening mental health, the surgery that happened in July to fix my 12-year-old perianal, plus the multiple problems that have happened post-op, and what happened to me after my first Covid vaccine back in February. At this time I have not decided if I am going to do one long post or split them up into three posts, if you have a preference on what you would prefer then please let me know. The final thing is I will be posting diary/journal posts that I have written since last May but never posted.

Well, that's it for today's post everyone. I hope you enjoyed reading and it shouldn't be too long before you see a new one, until next time................

    

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

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It's been a long time *TRIGGER WARNING*

Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well and staying safe. To be honest, I don't really know what to put in this post, all I know is I wanted to write something

The last time I posted a blog post was back in September 2020 I was telling you about my admission to the hospital in the middle of the first wave of the Coronviruse pandemic. The reason why there were no blog posts after that was due to my mental health. I had been struggling with my mental health from the beginning of the year but it was made a lot worse by the operation I had in July to fix my perianal wound. Having that operation was one of the biggest mistakes I have made in my life because all it has done is made the wound worse which means my life revolves around it. It's like a nightmare that never ends and sometimes I think it would be better to end it. Taking medication to help with depression can only do so much when you can not get rid of the thing that is causing the depression.

That's all for this post, sorry it's a bit of a downer, I will try and to more in-depth posts of what is exactly going on when I feel up to it.

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

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Admitted to the hospital during the pandemic, part 2 - May 2020

Hello there everyone and welcome to Part 2 of being admitted to the hospital during the Coronavirus pandemic. If you haven't read part one I suggest you read that post first. 

Here is the link to that post - Admitted to hospital during the pandemic. (Part 1)

As I got transferred to the GI ward in the evening I just saw one of the FY1 doctors and she gave me the good news that my bowel x-ray showed no blockages, as Tthere was nothing more that could be done that evening so she said she would see me in the morning with the registrar that was covering the ward that week.

Monday - The next day I wasn't feeling much better and when the doctors came round the registrar said that there was nothing obvious going on, the x-ray was clear and my inflammatory markers were normal so it wasn't a Crohn's flare. My blood tests did show that my potassium and phosphate were low so I needed to take medication to bring those levels back up. The registrar decided that it would be a good idea for them to test my urine and stool (poop) and when I mentioned to her about my perianal wound being gunky she decided that it should be swabbed to see if it was infected. The rest of the day was your pretty standard inpatient hospital day, they decided to keep me on fluids for another day as I was still dehydrated.

Tuesday - On Tuesday afternoon the nurse came into my room and said I need to start iv vancomycin because I had tested positive for cdiff. I was so shocked to be told that I had cdiff, I hadn't been out of the house to catch it from anyone, no one in my house had been displaying symptoms and I had not been on antibiotics recently. I was really worried that the iv vancomycin was going to give me red mans syndrome because every time I am on antibiotics I always end up with side effects but thankfully it didn't happen. The only thing that happened was my face felt like something was brushing up against it all the time.

Wednesday - On Wednesday I was told by the registrar that I just didn't have cdiff, I also had a urine infection and my perianal wound was infected so as well as being on vancomycin I also needed to take metronidazole by mouth. T hey also decided to switch the vancomycin from iv to tablets. There was a slight issue with the vancomycin tablets though, they only came in capsules but it wasn't powder that was in the capsule it was this hard stuff that wouldn't come out of the capsule when opened. The decision was made to give me liquid vancomycin but the liquid vancomycin was the stuff they used in the iv's which really concerned me but they said it was alright for me to take it that way. As well as being told that I 3 infections they also told me that my B12 was low which meant I needed to start taking injections for the rest of my life and my folic acid was also low so I needed to take folic acid tablets for 3 months.

Thursday - I was starting to feel better, I was able to eat and drink more, I no longer needed to be on any iv fluids and I could manage the nausea by taking ondansetron and cyclizine orally. The doctors said if I did okay on Thursday that I would be allowed to go home on Friday.

Well, that's it for part 2. You may be wondering if I was discharged home on Friday why am I not finishing this blog post, well when I was discharged home things did not exactly go to plan so that means there will be an Admitted to the hospital during the pandemic, part 2 coming your way next week. Until next time...............

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

You can also follow me on 

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Admitted to hospital during the pandemic. (Part 1)

For a good number of months, I had been feeling really run down physically but on Wednesday the 23rd of April, I started to get a sore stomach and was feeling sick over the next few days I continued to get worse and by Saturday evening I was feeling extremely unwell and dehydrated. I knew I needed to phone the out of hours doctors but I was really scared to because I didn't want to go into hospital in case I would end up getting Coronavirus. I kept telling myself I can do this, I am strong and I can wait until Monday to phone my GP and then I won't have to go into hospital but Sunday came around and I couldn't cope anymore. I was in too much pain, I felt like I was going to throw up, I was very weak because I hadn't eaten or really drank anything for 3 days and I was very tired because I hadn't been able to sleep. Even though I was terrified of going into hospital I also knew that it was really bad for me to stay at home and even if I did wait until Monday and phoned my GP they would have put me in the hospital because there was nothing they could really do.

I phoned 111 and explained to the call handler about my situation and then I was put through to a nurse immediately and we discussed what was going on, she decided I had to speak to a doctor but I couldn't speak to one straight away so I had to wait a couple of hours for one to phone me back. When the doctor phoned I explained what was going on he said I had to go A&E and I began to panic because A&E was where all the people who had the virus or were thought to have virus went. I really started to have second thoughts about going to the hospital and my anxiety was through the roof. My mum was also concerned so she decided to phone the A&E department and we found out that the department had been split into 2 so there was the clean area which means it's virus-free and there was the infected area and the staff who worked in the virus area never went to the clean area so that made me feel a little better.

My mum drove me to the hospital and when we arrived we found out that I would have to stand in the queue which was outside because everybody that wanted to go in needed to be checked to make sure that they had no symptoms of the virus. There was a slight issue though and that was I was unable to stand in a queue because I was too weak, thankfully though the people who were in the queue were very nice and let me go straight to the front and I got taken in straight away. As soon as you went in through the entrance you were met by 2 nurses, who took your details, checked your temperature, and asked you questions to see if you had symptoms of Covid. Once I was cleared to go into the hospital I went to the A&E reception and told the receptionist my name and why I was there. I was really pleased to find out that I didn't have to go into the A&E department because the GP had managed to get me on a bed in the medical assessment ward.

When I arrived in the medical assessment ward I was immediately taken to my bed and the nurse started taking my vitals and doing the hospital admission paperwork. Once that was done I was then seen by one of the wards nurse practitioners, she inserted a cannula and gave me iv cyclizine (an anti-sickness) and paracetamol which was then followed by iv fluids to rehydrate me. The nurse practitioner also felt my stomach, listened to my chest, took blood, and ordered an x-ray of my stomach to see if there were was a blockage which, thankfully there was not. It was decided by the medical team on the assessment ward that I needed to stay in hospital as they did not know what was making me unwell and they were going to transfer me to the GI ward.

That is all for part 1 of my hospital admission post,  I hope you enjoyed reading it and I will try and post part 2 as soon as I possibly can but until next time..........

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

You can also follow me on 

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It's been a long time

Well hello there everyone it's been a very long time and I am really sorry about that but mentally I was not in a good place and had to take some time to myself. Despite being on anti-depressants and anxiety medications I wasn't in a good place, I lost interest in everything I liked to do and I had no energy or motivation to do anything, even the simple things like making food and taking care of my personal hygiene was tough. Thankfully though things have got better after I was treated for a B12 and folate deficiency. B12 and folate deficiency can cause depression, anxiety, tiredness, and lack of energy so it explains why I was still struggling despite taking the anti-depressants and anxiety medication. Sadly though despite being treated for the deficiencies I do still suffer fatigue but at least my mental health is doing better than it was and hopefully I do not go back to the place I was at mentally for the past 10-11 months.

Now that I have got myself out of the hole and got my passion for blogging back I will be posting new posts on this blog as well as my new blog Crohn's Dysphagia and Ostomies. Hopefully, my first post will be up on this blog this week but I can't 100% guarantee that because right now I am on antibiotics which gives me really bad side effects but I will try my very best to get it posted by next week.

Well, that's it for today's post, until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

You can also follow me on 

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Friday 26th July 2019

Well, this past week has been a bit of a nightmare for my health because we are going through a heatwave right now and with what I have they do not go together. Having your large bowel removed means you are more prone to dehydration because that part of the bowel plays a big part in absorbing water so you can probably imagine how hard it is to stay hydrated in this ridiculous heat. I have been struggling really bad and have been dealing with all the symptoms you can get, dry mouth, dry skin, low urine output, headaches, I actually had chest pain last night which made me think my potassium was low so I drunk a lot of water and thankfully the pain went away.

This past week my stomach pain has been acting up but thankfully it's not long until my IBD clinic appointment. I don't know how much they will be able to do if it is adhesions, I know they can do surgery but the last abdominal surgery I had was extremely painful to the point that ketamine barely touched the pain post-operation. Even though surgery is a way to fix the adhesions it will just cause more scarring tissue to happen which will cause more adhesions because scarring from surgery is what causes adhesions.

Well, that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading and it shouldn't be too long before you see a new one, until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Tuesday 16th July

next post -                          

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Tuesday 16th July 2019

The chronic pain in my shoulder has been driving me round the twist this past weekend. It really is starting to control my life, I am barely using my right arm because I am scared to cause myself any more pain. I don't understand how bad joint pain can be so bad when there is no inflammation in my body plus I don't have anything like arthritis even though that can be a side effect of having Crohn's. When I went to get my shoulder x-ray done two and a half weeks ago they said the results would be back within two weeks but surprise, surprise they are not. To be honest, I am not surprised they weren't, I have never had radiology results come back so quickly as an outpatient. I am really getting to the tether as my depression is now being triggered but I really don't know what more they can do as I am already on 3 pain medications, paracetamol, dihydrocodeine, and gabapentin.

Despite all the pain, I took another step forward in beating my social anxiety. I don't really think I have talked about it much on here but I am a PC gamer and one of my all-time favorite games is Arma 3 which is a military simulator. I have been with the same Arma 3 community for the past two and a half years but this past weekend I decided to take the plunge and apply to another community. Previously with my social anxiety, I would never have gone out of my comfort zone and apply for this other community. I am pleased to announce that I got accepted and I just have to do my 2 phases of training before I can join in the missions, I wish I applied sooner now.

Well, that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading and it shouldn't be too long before you see a new one, until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Friday 12th 2019

next post -                          

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Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
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Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

Friday 12th July 2019

Since I last wrote several positive and negative things have happened since I last posted on here. I think I will start with the positive things. After 2 previous failed attempts I finally managed to go and visit my friend Lizzy down in the London area and get on a plane to Heathrow which is one of the World's busiest airports all by myself.

For those who are new to reading my blog, I use to have agoraphobia and was not able to go out of the house for a couple of years so doing this trip was a massive achievement for me. Sadly though my trip didn't go completely to plan and it was cut short due to me ending up with some type of gastro bug type thing. Trying to get a flight home was a bit of a nightmare because the flight I managed to book from Heathrow was overbooked so I couldn't get on that plane but thankfully Loganair came to the rescue and I was able to get a seat on their flight from Southend.

You may be wondering why I decided to come home, it was due to my being unsure of what the actual cause was. Five days before I left I had a partial blockage which will become more relevant later on but the last time I got an upset stomach as bad as what I was having I had to be admitted to the hospital for fluids and potassium because my body couldn't cope with having gastroenteritis. As much as I didn't want to come home, I also didn't really want to be stuck in a hospital with a gastro team that didn't know me because I am so complex and I also didn't want to be a bother to Lizzy and her family because as my fellow chronic illness warriors know life can be tough on the patient, family, and friends. Once I arrived home on Sunday evening I immediately had a shower so that I didn't pick any bugs from being on the plane and headed straight to bed. I woke up the following day and was still not feeling any better so I phoned my doctor's surgery and thankfully I got seen just after 11am in the morning which is pretty quick for a Monday as waiting times can be pretty long. The doctor that I saw was not 100% sure what was causing my illness so she decided to send away a blood and stool (poo) sample as well as give me another anti-sickness medication. After a few days of rest, I was feeling a bit better but still not that well despite the test results coming back normal. After a week and a bit of still feeling pain, sickness, and acid reflux I decided to go back to the doctor because I was getting a bit concerned. I saw the same doctor that I did the first time around, she checked my pulse, blood pressure and temperature which were all normal. The last check that she did was of my stomach, she felt an area of fullness so Dr. E thinks my pain and sickness is due to bowel adhesions. Adhesions are sadly a side effect of having the surgery I have had. The doctor decided to put me onto a new anti-sickness medication called metoclopramide, what is different about this medication compared to the other anti-sicknesses is it makes your stomach empty quicker than normal. After being at the doctor I phoned my IBD nurse to let her know what was going on and she thought it was best for me to be seen at the IBD clinic as soon as possible so I have had managed to score myself an appointment for the 7th August, so it's not too far away.

Well, that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading and it shouldn't be too long before you see a new one, until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Where I have been

next post - Tuesday 16th 2019

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Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
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Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

Where have I been

So hello there everyone, how are you all doing today?

As you may have seen there has been a serious lack of blog posts for a bit and that is due to a couple of reasons. So in June I was away from home visiting my best friend forever Lizzy in Essex, sadly though 6 days into my trip I became unwell and had to get an urgent flight home which was a whole heap of hassle but all I am going to say is thank goodness for Scottish airline Loganair and there Southend to Aberdeen flight.

Ever since I came back from my trip I have been having health problems which I am going to do more in-depth posts on, thankfully though I am now doing better and ready to get back to some sort of normal or should I say my normal as I will never be completely healthy as much as I want that so bad.


Well, that's it for today's post, after I have finished this post I will start working on some new posts so it shouldn't be too long before you see a new one, until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Saturday 30th March

next post -                          

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Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
Spoonie bookworms goodreads group
Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

Saturday 30th March 2019

In my last entry, I was talking about getting gabapentin for my shoulder pain. It took me 2 days to get the prescription filled because a) the chemist could not give me tablets and b) they forgot to order the liquid medication.

So on Tuesday, I couldn't get the prescription filled because they didn't have a liquid form so they said had to order a bottle of liquid medicine from their stockist and that it would be ready for pick up on Wednesday. Just after lunchtime on Wednesday, I phoned to see if it was ready for pick up so the woman that answered the phone went to check. After being on hold for a few minutes she comes back and says the prescription wouldn't be ready because the medication had not been delivered. I was so annoyed, frustrated and really scared because the pain was making my depression so bad because the suicidal thoughts were starting to pop into my head. Sadly with the depression I have, I do tend to get suicidal thoughts and the reason I got them this time was due to lack of sleep and feeling that this nagging pain will never go away.

On Thursday I finally got the gabapentin and I was so grateful for it. When you start gabapentin you have to build up to the dose that you are supposed to be on, the dose that they wanted to me to be on is 100mg three times a day. For the first day I have to take 100mg once a week, the second week I have to take 100mg two times a day and the third week I take the prescribed dose of 100mg three times a day. I decided the best time to take the dose was before I went to bed because I thought it would relieve the pain enough for me to sleep. The gabapentin did help me sleep on Thursday night the only issue is it's making me really sleepy and I am having a really hard time staying awake which really sucks. It does say on the label "if sleepy do not drive" but I have been on numerous medications that have that on the label but they have never made me as sleepy as this, I do wonder if it is the combination of lack of sleep and new medication that is causing me to be so tired. I really hope that this wears off in the next couple of days because if it doesn't then I will have to stop taking it.

Well, that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading the post. I am already working on a draft for my next post so everything being well you should be able to read it by the end of this week but until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Thursday 21st March

next post -  Where have I been  

You can also follow me on 

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Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
Spoonie bookworms goodreads group
Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

Tuesday 26th March 2019

So ever since I had my 5 day bleed from my problem wound the recurring shoulder pain that I have has been getting progressively worse for over the past week. I have had pain in my shoulder previously but it normally lasts for a few days never a week. I am aware of certain health issues in the abdomen causing referred shoulder pain so I am wondering if the wound that I have where my rectum should be is the cause of my pain. I really should have asked the surgeon when I saw her at the clinic but there was so much going on that it never crossed my mind. The thing about this shoulder pain is, it has been going on for longer then the wound has been there but as I have mentioned in the previous posts the cause of the wound is unknown but one of the potential causes is an abscess so even though the wound wasn't open the abscess would have been growing.

The bad thing is this isn't the worse pain I have felt but it is certainly the most annoying. Over the years I have mainly had sharp stabbing pains but this is a dull, nagging, uncomfortable pain and as well those feelings it also feels like it's being squeezed really tightly. The best way to describe what it feels like is one of those blood pressure machines squeezing your arm all the time.

In May last year (2018) I went to the doctor about my shoulder pain and how it was causing me to get really depressed, I was barely able to sleep and couldn't really move my arm because the discomfort was that bad. When I went to my appointment I saw my regular GP and he put me on gabapentin but once the prescription ran out I never got another one because I didn't find it worked that well. Today though I couldn't take the nagging pain anymore, I literally felt like it was making me go insane and I really wanted to rip my arm off. Instead of phoning and asking to speak to the duty doctor I thought I would try my luck and phone the repeat prescription line but they said I needed to speak to the pharmacist so I spoke to her and explained the whole situation to her. She agreed to issue the prescription for 1 months supply on the condition I made an appointment with one of the GP's.

Things didn't exactly go to plan though and I couldn't pick up the prescription that day. Last year when I got the prescription from the doctor he gave me capsules but this time round the pharmacist said that I could not open capsules, pour out the powder and mix it with water an flush it through my feeding tube so she would prescribed the liquid form of gabapentin, I really don't get why I can't just do it this time as well. The issue with liquid medications is chemists don't tend to stock them because they cost more then tablets so that means I am going to have to wait until tomorrow to get it so that means another day of nagging pain and a night with no sleep.

Well that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading the post. I am already working on a draft for my next post so everything being well you should be able to read it by the end of this week but until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Thursday 21st March

next post - Saturday 30th March

You can also follow me on 

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Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
Spoonie bookworms goodreads group
Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

Thursday 21st March 2019

I got a surprise today, not one of those awesome surprises sadly but I could really use one of them right now. Okay I got sidetracked sorry about that but what happened was the receptionist from my doctor's surgery called me saying that the hospital wanted me to go and have blood tests done today. Now if you are someone who uses the health care system a lot you know that things like that very rarely happen so I made an appointment for later that afternoon. At the moment I still need to get my mum to drive me places because I haven't yet overcome my anxiety enough to start driving again yet but I am determined to overcome my anxiety and be able to drive myself places whenever I want.

I went in and got my bloods done by the phlebotomist today which was good because normally getting blood out of me with the first poke is hard to do because my veins are so bad but she managed with no bother at all. I expected them to do all the normal bloods that I get done but they didn't which I found strange. When I mean normal bloods for me I get my kidneys checked because my potassium can be low at some times, I get a liver function test to keep an eye on my struggling liver, I get a CRP to check my inflammation levels as I have an chronic illness that causes inflammation in my body and the final thing that gets checked is a full blood count which checks a number of things in my body but all the surgeon wanted is a kidney function and full blood count for some reason.

There was something that I forgot to include in my last entry and that was I can't go down to Essex and visit my friend for her birthday which has really upset me because I promised her that I would go down and stay for a week. I feel so terrible letting my best friend down who is like a sister to me but because she is so awesome she understood why I couldn't come. Deep down I know myself that travelling down is not a good idea, it took me 4 hours to get ready for my hospital appointment. I had a massive 5 day bleed from the Thursday to the Monday and it took a major toll on my body. the blood lost caused me to feel dizzy, I was feeling cold, my normal heart rate is around the 60's but when I was getting ready for the hospital yesterday it was up at a 120, I was having a hard time breathing and was feeling more fatigued then normal. As much as I really want to go it's just not safe for me to do so, I just wish my heart and head would agree but my heart says I should go and my head doesn't. I know I will get to visit her one day I just have to be patient.

Well that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading the post. I am already working on a draft for my next post so everything being well you should be able to read it by the end of this week but until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Wednesday 20th March

next post - Tuesday 26th March 

You can also follow me on 

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Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
Spoonie bookworms goodreads group
Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

Wednesday 20th March 2019

So today was the important surgical appointment. I don't know what happened but the anxiety that I have been having about this appointment completely disappeared, I don't know how it happened but it did which was amazing. It was a good thing my anxiety was gone because the doctor was running over an hour late and I think if my anxiety had been as bad as it normally had been I would have walked out of that clinic.

So after an hour of waiting I finally got seen by the consultant. I have met most of the surgical consultants at my hospital but not this one, she seems really nice though and reminds me of the surgeon that did my previous operations so that's good. The one thing that sucked about this appointment is I had to wait over an hour for 5 minutes with her. To be honest there really isn't much she can do apart from look at it as there is so much over granulation tissue now that it's covered the actually wound opening, even if she could see the opening she can't see what's going on in the inside and the number 1 suspect in what caused this  wound thing is an abscess so she really needs to see whats going on in the inside.

Due to not being not being able to see what's going on the surgeon who I am going to name Miss S has decided the 1st thing that needs to be done is a pelvic MRI and once they get the results they will decide if a small bowel study MRI is required. I really hope that I don't need one of those because the Klean prep that they give you makes me really, really, really unwell and by that I mean violently sick and poop for Scotland because the prep is actually a laxative. After the MRI is done Miss S will be doing surgery to clean up the wound so the healing process will begin again. I honestly don't know how they can take away anymore skin and tissue because they took so much away the first time round, I actually did wonder if it reopened due to the skin being too tight but no one has ever mentioned that could have been the cause.

Another thing I got told today was if I start bleeding again I have to go to A and E and get seen because the last thing Miss S wants is for me to pass out but the problem is I really don't want to have to go. The issue with going to A and E is it will be a waste of their time and mine because there really isn't much they can do and surgeons won't do surgery because what I have really isn't an urgent thing. I suppose right now all I can do is wait and I hate waiting.

Well that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading the post. I am already working on a draft for my next post so everything being well you should be able to read it by the end of this week but until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

You can also follow me on 

twitter | facebook | instagram | google+
youtube | twitch


Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
Spoonie bookworms goodreads group
Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

A prefect time to restart this blog

Hello there all you wonderful people, it's been a very long time since I posted something on here and I am sorry about that.

Sooooooooooooo you may be wondering why it has been so long since you last saw a post from me and the reason for that was my depression and anxiety, it was really bad and I let it take control of my life. Thankfully though my mental health is better then it was and the desire to write blog posts has returned plus with upcoming events I thought now would be the perfect time to start blogging again.

Well that's it for today's post, I know it's a short one but I have to start working on my next post which will be live on my blog in the next few days so keep your eyes peeled for that. Until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

You can also follow me on 

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Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
Spoonie bookworms goodreads group
Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

I am broken

Hello there everyone, it's been a very long time since I last wrote a blog post and there has been a reason for that and I am sure that some of you can guess by the title what has been happening.

I have been suffering from depression for a number of years but last year it started to get  a lot worse and instead of asking for help again I just let it get worse and worse and a couple of weeks ago I reached my breaking point and had to get an emergency appointment with a G.P. as I was having thoughts of it would be better not to live plus many more symptoms.

• lack of energy which I originally put down to anaemia but apparently lack of energy is one of the symptoms
• feeling tired which again I put down to anaemia and medication I was taking
• getting agitated when around people
• not wanting to spend time with others
• shutting myself in my bedroom
• using dihydrocodiene to help numb the emotional pain
• finding it hard to cope with with everyday things including simple things
• not enjoying what I normally enjoy doing
• not looking after myself properly e.g food
• having thoughts it would be easier not to live
• trouble sleeping because I can't relax or switch my brain off
• not being able to stay asleep
• not being able to concentrate
• feeling that i have failed in life
• fear of something going wrong when out of the house that makes me land in hospital
• Scared that I become ill after say a trip away (this one and the one above are more related to anxiety)

I think the worst thing is I have all these symptoms despite being on 3 medications to help with my mental health and I am on 4 when I am really bad. The 3 medications that I take everyday are maximum dose citalopram which is an SSRI anti-depressant, a low dose 25mg of quetiapine which is used as anti-depressant also and maximum dose propranolol which is used for anxiety. You really would think with the amount of medication that I wouldn't be suffering with depression and anxiety so bad.

So the plan for the moment is to see the urgent care mental health team so they can review the medication I take and put some support in place to help me make improvements. I have been told that the improvements will be slow but any improvement is better then the way the life is right now.

I do have this massive bucket type list which I prefer to call my to do list ,which has all these big plans but I will tell you the smaller things I use to and want to get back to doing first.

• pc gaming 
• streaming on twitch 
• being with and riding horses 
• blogging
• cooking
• baking
• crafting
• reading books and comics
• going to the cinema
• going to concerts
• spending more time with animals

I think that is everything for this blog post. I am sure once I post it I will remember I forgot to write something else. I will try my very best to document my journey to getting better but with the way my depression is I sadly can't promise anything.

I hope you all are doing well and until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

You can also follow me on 

twitter | facebook | instagram | google+
youtube | twitch


Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
Spoonie bookworms goodreads group
Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

Thursday 23rd June 2016

So I am not sure if this depression is linked to my hormones like I said in my previous post. I started my monthly's in the early hours of Tuesday morning and it is now two days later and my depression feels worse, if it had been hormone related I think I would be feeling better by now. 

There is just so many thoughts going through mind, an example is my life is pointless, I am not doing anything worthwhile but how am I suppose to do anything worthwhile when my health is so screwed up. I have dreams and goals like any normal person but how do I achieve them with this crap body of mine. There is so dreams and goals that I want to achieve but number one on that list is having my own horse, competing, working with horses and teaching people to ride. As you can imagine though working in the equestrian world is a very hard and demanding but I don't think I will ever be happy doing anything else. 

My head hurts so much, I can't see a way out of this, I just want these feelings to go away, these thoughts are so scary, all I want to do is sleep because I don't want to feel emotions anymore.

Previous post: Monday 20th June

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Monday 20th June 2016

My brain is broken big time.

The depression has been really bad over this past weekend, which I think is being caused by my hormones as it is coming up to my time of the month. There is this condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) which is a more severe form of premenstrual syndrome and apparently if you have a history of a mood or anxiety disorder, which I do it can mean you are at a higher risk of developing PMDD. My mood is low, I feel like my life is pointless but I don't feel suicidal which is good, hopefully it is just the hormones and I will feel better is a few days. 

One thing that probably hasn't helped is that this past Saturday I couldn't get to Redwing Riding School to spend time and go out on a hack. Every time I go there I have to get a lift from my dad and this Saturday my dad couldn't take me because he had something else to do. The thing is I can drive but the anxiety has made it hard and I am scared that if I have an accident that my insurance won't cover it. I really want to get back to driving because that would mean that my time there wouldn't be restricted, the woman who owns the riding school said that I could go there anytime and spend time with horses and ponies but obiviously my dad works full time. Before I can even think about driving again I need to get my eyes tested, I can't actually tell you when I last had them done, it must be more then 5 years ago. I have a phobia of someone putting something in my eye which is why I can't wear contact lenses so an appointment at the opticians is a massive anxiety/panic attack trigger, maybe one day I will get them tested. 


Previous post: Having all my teeth removed

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Having all my teeth removed

So a lot has been happening since I have last posted on here, so lets begin.

Since I last posted I have had all my teeth removed or should I say the 25 that I had left and on boy that was not fun. After having 2 ostomy surgeries, teeth removed and many other procedures I honestly didn't think that it would be that bad but boy I was wrong. Everything started out well, instead of being 5th on the list I was bumped up to 3rd because some people didin't turn up and the anaesthetist managed to get her hands on a paediatric cannula which was so awesome, it was when I woke up afterwards that things went really bad. I was told that they would load me up with local anaesthetic so that I wouldn't be in to much pain when I woke up but that was not the case, when I came round I was in sooooooooooo much and I ended up getting 10mg of morphine through the cannula. Despite getting all that morphine I was still pain, the only time I have ever been still in quite a bit of pain after an op was when I had my ostomy surgeries, I was suppose to be discharge home that evening but thankfully I wasn't. 

That night was horrendous, I couldn't get to sleep because my face was so swollen, the pain would not settle and they refused to give me anymore morphine. They did give me extra dihydrocodiene but it really didn't take the edge off.

Day 1 (Wednesday) post op wasn't any better, the pain was still bad and I was starting to feel feverish. I mentioned this to the nurse who then took my temperature which was slightly up so they gave me a fan. As the day went on I was starting to feel worse but they still insisted in discharging me, so I went home. In the early hours of Thursday morning my temperature went up to 38.1C and I couldn't take anymore paracetamol as I already had taken the maximum dose for the day. So as much as I hate doctor's I went to the out of hours which was a big waste of time because they couldn't do anything, they did phone the ward that I had been on but the doctor who was on the ward told me to go home and come back to the dental clinic for 9am. I went back to hospital for 9am, they had a look in mouth and said it didn't look like I had an infection but they were going to give me a weeks worth of antibiotics anyway. 

I can not tell you how annoyed I was with the doctor's at dental. The day before I had the surgery I explained that I am very prone to infections (basically every surgical wound gets infected)) and that last time I had my teeth out which was only a couple I developed an infection afterwards but for some reason they thought that I wouldn't get an infection. I get so sick of telling doctor's things. I don't understand why they don't listen to me, I am not like a normal person I have been sick for 16 years and I know how my body reacts to things.

I am so glad that this is all over and I never have to go back and get more teeth removed, unfortunately though this experience has made my fear of hospitals worse and because of that I have cancelled a few hospital appointments because my anxiety has been so bad. 



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