So I am not sure if this depression is linked to my hormones like I said in my previous post. I started my monthly's in the early hours of Tuesday morning and it is now two days later and my depression feels worse, if it had been hormone related I think I would be feeling better by now.
There is just so many thoughts going through mind, an example is my life is pointless, I am not doing anything worthwhile but how am I suppose to do anything worthwhile when my health is so screwed up. I have dreams and goals like any normal person but how do I achieve them with this crap body of mine. There is so dreams and goals that I want to achieve but number one on that list is having my own horse, competing, working with horses and teaching people to ride. As you can imagine though working in the equestrian world is a very hard and demanding but I don't think I will ever be happy doing anything else.
My head hurts so much, I can't see a way out of this, I just want these feelings to go away, these thoughts are so scary, all I want to do is sleep because I don't want to feel emotions anymore.
Previous post: Monday 20th June
You can follow me on:
My brain is broken big time.
The depression has been really bad over this past weekend, which I think is being caused by my hormones as it is coming up to my time of the month. There is this condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) which is a more severe form of premenstrual syndrome and apparently if you have a history of a mood or anxiety disorder, which I do it can mean you are at a higher risk of developing PMDD. My mood is low, I feel like my life is pointless but I don't feel suicidal which is good, hopefully it is just the hormones and I will feel better is a few days.
One thing that probably hasn't helped is that this past Saturday I couldn't get to Redwing Riding School to spend time and go out on a hack. Every time I go there I have to get a lift from my dad and this Saturday my dad couldn't take me because he had something else to do. The thing is I can drive but the anxiety has made it hard and I am scared that if I have an accident that my insurance won't cover it. I really want to get back to driving because that would mean that my time there wouldn't be restricted, the woman who owns the riding school said that I could go there anytime and spend time with horses and ponies but obiviously my dad works full time. Before I can even think about driving again I need to get my eyes tested, I can't actually tell you when I last had them done, it must be more then 5 years ago. I have a phobia of someone putting something in my eye which is why I can't wear contact lenses so an appointment at the opticians is a massive anxiety/panic attack trigger, maybe one day I will get them tested.
Previous post: Having all my teeth removed
You can follow me on:
So I had my last horse riding lesson before D-Day (dental surgery). I am so glad that I was able to make it this week because after falling off Hamish two weeks ago I really wanted to get back in the saddle before my surgery as I don't know how long I will not be able to ride for after my operation.
Today I got to ride a new pony called Dougal who is a beautiful Highland.
This was my very first time riding a Highland and my first time riding a different pony, in previous lessons I was always ridden Hamish but I was struggling so my riding instructor thought I would be better riding Dougal. They are complete opposites, Hamish is more of a plod a long and because I am still quite weak at the moment it is hard for me to get him going. Dougal on the other hand is so responsive and forward going, the slightest squeeze of the leg and his pace speeds up, the slightest pull on the reins he slows down.
My anxiety and stress levels have been on the rise this week with the upcoming surgery, I have actually been told that the symptoms that I display are like PTSD and yes I have been through some traumatic hospital stays over the years but I don't think I have PTSD.
Thankfully this week my physical health has improved, the stomach cramps, horrendous sickness and elevated temperature have all settled. I was starting to get concerned that they would not do the surgery if I was unwell, I certainly don't want to go back on the waiting list and wait another 7 months.
Previous post: Sunday 10th April
Next post:
You can follow me on:
It's been 4 weeks since I last wrote a post because there has been so much going on. Some things I can tell you about but there is a few things that I can't tell you about just yet which kind of sucks because I really want to tell you all.
The Crohn's has still been getting progressively worse which is not what I want because I have so many plans and the last thing I need is to be really unwell and miss out on things. I also finally plucked up the courage to phone the dentist this past month so I am currently waiting for a maxillofacial appointment to come through. I seriously cannot wait to get rid of these disgusting teeth, roll on the day I get my new set of nashers (teeth).
I have also kind of came up with a really crazy idea and that is to climb Ben Nevis in the summer of 2017.
I honestly don't know how I am going to manage to do it. At the moment I can't even walk without having extreme pelvic pain and ever since I had henoch schonlein purpura I cannot put too much pressure on my legs because it causes a petechial rash but you've got to try new things and it's going to be for a good cause as I plan to raise money for the Crohn’s in Childhood Research Association and The Archie Foundation (the charity at my local childrens hospital.
Previous post - Sunday 26th April
Next post -
You can follow me on:
Hello my fellow warrior's, I hope you are all doing okay. I just wanted to do an update post to tell you what's been going on and why there hasn't been any blog posts for a wee while.
So basically things have been happening one thing after the other at which is the reason why there hasn't been any activity on here. I am going to be writing catch up posts about everything that has happened over the past month.
Okay that it is it for today's post. Always try to keep strong and positive because you are a superhero, love you all. xx
You can follow me on:
It has been a little while since I last wrote because I ended up getting a stupid cold which in turn set off a Crohn's flare but today was my birthday so nothing to bring down my mood.
This year I turned the grand old age of 27 which sounds like a really nice age to me, if I could stop aging now then that would be great, lol. Each year I normally have to buy my own birthday gifts but this year I didn't have to which was nice because I always love to get a surprise when I open my presents.
Of course a birthday wouldn't be complete without a birthday cake and this year I managed to eat 2 slices of cake :)
I honestly thought that I would not be able to eat any cake this year because at the moment I only seem to be able to eat thin pureed food with no lumps at all but I was really careful when I ate the slices so it went down with no major problems.
Previous post - Thursday 22nd January
Next post -
You can follow me on:
So I have been given the opportunity to write a guest blog post for one of my favourite charities, the Cat's Protection. For Blue Monday (January 19th) the Cat's Protection are doing posts on the health benefits of a cat and their purr. I have to admit I am very nervous but I am also very excited because it will be the very first guest blog post that I have ever written so I really, really, really hope they like it. When it comes to writing I am not exactly very confident (plus I am very bad at criticising myself) but that is all due to what happened when I was at High School. I was off school a lot after being diagnosed with Crohn's because a) I was sick and b) I was badly bullied because I was different and overweight due to being on steroids, so when at school I was treated as the waste of space kid. I was always having difficultly with writing and numbers but it was all due to me being dyslexic, actually the first time I ever heard of dyslexia was after I left school. Despite all these confidence issues I really do want to write this post because without the Cat's Protection I would have never got my little bug Snowball, she is one of the best things to ever happen in my life.
Today I also took the plunge and decided to buy myself a makeup artist case. This is the year that I have decided to put makeup work out there. I am not sure how easy it will be to become a freelance makeup artist because I don't have any certificates and in this day and age everybody needs to have qualifications regardless of what skills they have. The one thing about me is I am determined, passionate, hard working and stubborn so if I want to do something I will do it.
Previous post - Friday 9th January
Next post - Friday 16th January
You can follow me on:
Let the busy week commence because this week is Christmas week!!! I absolutely love Christmas but jeez those last few days before the day are always the busiest for me. There is so much things that need to be done, presents need to wrapped and the chief baker aka me needs to do her baking. I was originally going to do my baking on Sunday but I changed my mind because there was no way that those little mince pie cakes would last until Christmas day so I have decided to make them on Christmas Eve which is probably a really stupid idea because guaranteed I will have forgotten to buy at least one of the ingredients but hey I like to live life dangerously.
Another good thing about this Christmas is I hardly have to wrap any presents due to everyone buying there own presents this year. I love opening presents but I hate wrapping them because a) my wrapping skills are awful and b) my wee little fingers do not like having to do all that work (I get joint pain). All I have to wrap this year is a present for my mum, my sister and grandma, I normally do wrap up the present that I get for the cat (and yes I am a crazy cat lazy) but her present came in a cardboard box and she loves cardboard boxes so I will just leave in there and she can trail it out of the box herself.
Previous post - Thursday 18th December Next post - Merry Christmas Everyone
You can follow me on:
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)