So I am not sure if this depression is linked to my hormones like I said in my previous post. I started my monthly's in the early hours of Tuesday morning and it is now two days later and my depression feels worse, if it had been hormone related I think I would be feeling better by now.
There is just so many thoughts going through mind, an example is my life is pointless, I am not doing anything worthwhile but how am I suppose to do anything worthwhile when my health is so screwed up. I have dreams and goals like any normal person but how do I achieve them with this crap body of mine. There is so dreams and goals that I want to achieve but number one on that list is having my own horse, competing, working with horses and teaching people to ride. As you can imagine though working in the equestrian world is a very hard and demanding but I don't think I will ever be happy doing anything else.
My head hurts so much, I can't see a way out of this, I just want these feelings to go away, these thoughts are so scary, all I want to do is sleep because I don't want to feel emotions anymore.
Previous post: Monday 20th June
You can follow me on:
My brain is broken big time.
The depression has been really bad over this past weekend, which I think is being caused by my hormones as it is coming up to my time of the month. There is this condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) which is a more severe form of premenstrual syndrome and apparently if you have a history of a mood or anxiety disorder, which I do it can mean you are at a higher risk of developing PMDD. My mood is low, I feel like my life is pointless but I don't feel suicidal which is good, hopefully it is just the hormones and I will feel better is a few days.
One thing that probably hasn't helped is that this past Saturday I couldn't get to Redwing Riding School to spend time and go out on a hack. Every time I go there I have to get a lift from my dad and this Saturday my dad couldn't take me because he had something else to do. The thing is I can drive but the anxiety has made it hard and I am scared that if I have an accident that my insurance won't cover it. I really want to get back to driving because that would mean that my time there wouldn't be restricted, the woman who owns the riding school said that I could go there anytime and spend time with horses and ponies but obiviously my dad works full time. Before I can even think about driving again I need to get my eyes tested, I can't actually tell you when I last had them done, it must be more then 5 years ago. I have a phobia of someone putting something in my eye which is why I can't wear contact lenses so an appointment at the opticians is a massive anxiety/panic attack trigger, maybe one day I will get them tested.
Previous post: Having all my teeth removed
You can follow me on:
So a lot has been happening since I have last posted on here, so lets begin.
Since I last posted I have had all my teeth removed or should I say the 25 that I had left and on boy that was not fun. After having 2 ostomy surgeries, teeth removed and many other procedures I honestly didn't think that it would be that bad but boy I was wrong. Everything started out well, instead of being 5th on the list I was bumped up to 3rd because some people didin't turn up and the anaesthetist managed to get her hands on a paediatric cannula which was so awesome, it was when I woke up afterwards that things went really bad. I was told that they would load me up with local anaesthetic so that I wouldn't be in to much pain when I woke up but that was not the case, when I came round I was in sooooooooooo much and I ended up getting 10mg of morphine through the cannula. Despite getting all that morphine I was still pain, the only time I have ever been still in quite a bit of pain after an op was when I had my ostomy surgeries, I was suppose to be discharge home that evening but thankfully I wasn't.
That night was horrendous, I couldn't get to sleep because my face was so swollen, the pain would not settle and they refused to give me anymore morphine. They did give me extra dihydrocodiene but it really didn't take the edge off.
Day 1 (Wednesday) post op wasn't any better, the pain was still bad and I was starting to feel feverish. I mentioned this to the nurse who then took my temperature which was slightly up so they gave me a fan. As the day went on I was starting to feel worse but they still insisted in discharging me, so I went home. In the early hours of Thursday morning my temperature went up to 38.1C and I couldn't take anymore paracetamol as I already had taken the maximum dose for the day. So as much as I hate doctor's I went to the out of hours which was a big waste of time because they couldn't do anything, they did phone the ward that I had been on but the doctor who was on the ward told me to go home and come back to the dental clinic for 9am. I went back to hospital for 9am, they had a look in mouth and said it didn't look like I had an infection but they were going to give me a weeks worth of antibiotics anyway.
I can not tell you how annoyed I was with the doctor's at dental. The day before I had the surgery I explained that I am very prone to infections (basically every surgical wound gets infected)) and that last time I had my teeth out which was only a couple I developed an infection afterwards but for some reason they thought that I wouldn't get an infection. I get so sick of telling doctor's things. I don't understand why they don't listen to me, I am not like a normal person I have been sick for 16 years and I know how my body reacts to things.
I am so glad that this is all over and I never have to go back and get more teeth removed, unfortunately though this experience has made my fear of hospitals worse and because of that I have cancelled a few hospital appointments because my anxiety has been so bad.
Previous post: Saturday 16th April
Next post:
You can follow me on:
