Sunday 10th April 2016

This week has been a week I'd rather forget. It has been awful so much so I would rather fall off Hamish (the pony I was riding last Saturday) again then deal with this pain. 

The stomach pain began at the beginning of the week but of course when you have Crohn's pain in your stomach is certainly not an unusual thing. Through the week the pain has been getting progressively worse to the point that the maximum paracetamol and dihydrocodiene dose isn't helping. It's low down central pain and in a normal woman's body this would mean that it's probably woman related issues but with my small bowel dropping down into my pelvis it could be my bowel or it could be something really simple like a UTI, oh how I wish things could just be straight forward. As well as the pain I haven't been able to get my temperature under 37C, I have felt sick and had really bad acid reflux.

I know that I should have phoned the doctor and this weekend I seriously contemplated phoning the out of hours but I know they will probably admit me because there is nothing they can really do and that's what is stopping me from going. I cannot get over my fear of hospitals which is going to become a major issue. 


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It's been a long time

Well hello there, it's been a long time since I last posted and if you follow me on twitter you will know why there hasn't been a one.

Let's start at the beginning. On Friday the 12th of February my mum slipped on black ice and broke her tibial plateau (the tibial plateau is a critical weight-bearing area located on the upper extremity of the tibia) in her left leg so these last few months have been very hard for me and the rest of my family, especially my dad. Due to where my mum broke her leg it meant that she needed to have surgery to have a plate and screws puy in and she was not allowed to weight bear on her left for 6 weeks. With everything that has happened my mental and physical health has taken a battering and I just haven't been able to write posts as my brain has felt in a permanent daze and any time I have attempted to write a post they just haven't made any sense, to be honest I am not sure if I really want a reminder of these last couple months. 

In other news I have finally got a date to go into hospital to get all my teeth removed, I have had to wait 7 months for this date which frankly is absolutely ridiculous. At first my teeth weren't really that sore so I wasn't that fussed but in the middle of February I started to develop horrendous pain and my head felt like it was in a vice. Despite taking maximum doses of paracetamol and dihydrocodiene the pain would just not ease at all in the end the only thing that would help with the pain was anitbiotics. I am really nervous about getting this op done as every surgery I have had before has ended with me having wounds that open up and infections.

So lets get on to the good news and that is I started horse riding again!!!!!! I use to ride every week until I was diagnosed with Crohn's 16 years ago and since then I have only had the odd lesson here and there but this year I made the decision to ride as much as I possibly can despite the Crohn's, pelvic pain, fatigue and dysphagia. The riding lesson haven't certainly haven't been easy, every time I have a 1 hour lesson I come home and sleep for 5-7 hours. I do suffer with pain and dehydration but it is worth it because I have finally found something that helps with my well-being and every time I get on the horse I forget about all the crap that is happening plus it's great to be spending time with such beautiful animals.

That is all for today's post and once again I am sorry for not posting for such a long time, until my next post remember to keep strong and keep fighting. xx


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Friday 29th January 2016

This has been a really tough month for me, I have not been able to shake the depression at all but I refuse to go to the doctor. I know that I should probably go but I am not feeling suicidal plus all they will want to do is change the anti-depressants that I am on and they will want me to go and talk to someone which I have done numerous times before and it is a complete waste of time. Another thing is I find that anti-depressants aren't really the solution because they come with their own side effects that can just be as bad as the depression. 

If the depression wasn't bad enough I have been noticing that my Crohn's has been getting worse. I am getting pain in areas that I never normally get and my appetite isn't as good either which is a really bad situation because I honestly don't eat enough as it is. Also the fatigue and brain fog has been getting worse but that's no surprise seeing as I still haven't been able to get my iron infusion due to not getting my portacath.

This month I made the decision to book myself a horse riding lesson. Before I got sick I went for riding lessons every week and it was my dream to have my own horse, take part in competitions and teach other people to ride. I had hoped to start riding again after my first ostomy and rectum removel surgery but that didn't happen due to the large rectal wound that I developed because the stupid thing decided to burst open 2 weeks after surgery. It has now been nearly  2 years since I had the final surgery to close the wound completely and touch wood everything has been fine since so I thought now is the time to start riding again. I also thought that going back to something I love will help with my depression, anxiety and agrophobia seeing as nothing else seems to be working at the moment. 

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Sunday 3rd January 2016

Just call me the New Year Scrooge. Words cannot describe how much I hate New Year!!!!!! I just don't see the point of it, maybe I would think differently if I didn't have all the health problems that I do. 

A new year is suppose to equal a fresh start but the start of a new year doesn't mean that all the shit that you were going through last year miraculously disappears when the clock strikes 12. Maybe I wouldn't be feeling this bad if I didn't have a small bowel study MRI book for the 8th of January. I am seriously dreading it because the last time I had one of these done it was an absolute nightmare. 

If having depression wasn't bad enough my guts have been playing up since boxing day. I am having pain in a different area to where I normally do and my ostomy seems to be really sluggish for some reason which is very unusual for my bowels. I am one of these people that has to take loperamide/imodium 4 times a day and even then I still have a high ostomy output. As well as the bowels my chest has decided that it wants to act up as well, I should be grateful though as it's been a long time since I had inflammation in my chest wall. 

The only good thing about these health problems is I have discovered a new tv show called Sons of Anarchey. There is 7 seasons on Netflix so that will keep be busy or should I say distract me from my demons for a while. 

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Sunday 27th December 2015

Christmas didn't exactly go how I wanted it too but I did make the best of it. If there is one thing I am good at then that is making the best of it.

So every year I normally dress up, do my hair and makeup but this year I just stayed in my Christmas pyjamas because I knew that I would have to take a couple of naps during the day. I received lots of lovely gifts from my family this year but my favourite one out of all of them was a Me To You bauble with Daughter With Love on it from my parents.

Everybody seemed to like the gifts that I gave them thank goodness. Every year I get worried and stressed out about gift shopping, when I ask people what they want for their Christmas they say they don't know and then there is also having to make sure that each persons gift comes to the same amount as everyone else.

This year my oeophageal stricture's allowed me to have Christmas dinner with the rest of my family. Turkey, sage and onion stuffing, pigs in blankets, potatoes, cranberry sauce and gravy puree really well so much so that I didn't have to add extra water (typically I have to add extra water to get the food to a smooth consistany). Unfortunatly I did have an issue on Boxing Day with the leftovers because I added way to much gravy and ended up with Christmas dinner soup. 

Chistmas evening was spent like it has been for the last few years, every year I have a nap after and then spend the evening in front of the tv and watch the Dr Who, Call the Midwife and Mrs Brown's Boys. 

So all in all this years Christmas has been a good one. 


Previous post: Sunday 20th December

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Thursday 24th December 2015

So all the plans that I mentioned in my last post didn't really happen thanks to the stupid fatigue. 

The fatigue wouldn't have been this bad if they hadn't cancelled my damn portacath procedure. If I got the port I would have received the much needed iron infusion, my energy levels would have been better and I could have done everything that I wanted to do. There was an incident that happened this week that could have had serious consequences and it was all due to me falling asleep because I was so tired. This week wasn't a complete bust though I did manage to make Christmas biscuits with my sister who has Down's Syndrome and wrap my Christmas presents

One of the worst things about me is I am my own worst enemy. I set myself unrealistic goals and then get so mad at myself when I don't achieve those goals. I may have been chronically ill for 16 years now but sometimes I still struggle to admit to being a sick person. 



Previous post: Sunday 20th December

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Sunday 20th December 2015

Well what can I say it's been a very long time since I last wrote an there has been so many reasons for that but those things are in the past and it's time to start a fresh.

So this weekend as been all about me putting my feet up and catching up on some much needed sleep because this coming week is Christmas week and that equals crazy week. My plans for this week so far are to make meatball stroganoff, fruity biscotti, gingerbread cupcakes with salted caramel icing, Christmas biscuits and to wrap all my presents. I know that I am biting off way more then I can chew with all this but I made a decision way back in 2010 to go all out for all of my favourite holiday's after being told in 2009 that I might not see Christmas. 

My plan is to make the meatball stroganoff on Monday and also go to Pet's at Home to get the last few things for this years Christmas donation to the Cat's Protection. Then from Tuesday to Thursday I plan to bake once a day and wrap some presents, my hope is that by doing this my body has to time to relax each day and maybe it won't have a total utter melt down. 


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Thursday 27th August 2015

Today I reached my breaking point and I couldn't do anymore physical things. My stomach, chest, back, arms and legs are all sore, I am so tired that I can't think straight and I can't go to the bathroom to pass urine because I am so dehydrated. I am trying to keep my mental health in check but it's hard when I feel like this. I just have to keep focused on the end goal, a brand new house in a place that I love to live and no more having to share a bathroom with 3 other people and if you are person with health issues that require you to use the bathroom a lot then you will understand how excited I am about this. 

Somebody asked me today if I was feeling sad about leaving this house and my honest answer is not really. The only thing that I am sad about is I won't have my good friends staying directly across the road from me. When we moved to this house I was 9 and my friends were 3 and 5, we have grown up together and the older we have gotten the closer we have grown because as you get older age difference doesn't really matter. With them living across the road I always knew that if I ever needed anything I could just pop across to their house and ask. Even though they are not going to be living across the road they live less then 5 minutes away.

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Tuesday 25th August 2015

I can't wait for this move to be over because I am now reaching my breaking point, I was struggling with fatigue before all this started but now it is the worst it has ever been. I am getting to sleep at night but when I wake up in the morning I feel like I haven't slept in days. I was suppose to go to the British Touring Cars at Knockhill this past Sunday but I made the decision not to go and as much as I HATED not going I know I made the right choice as a 17 hour day on top of everything that's going on I would probably have landed me in the hospital.

Even though I have a deadline to meet I am making sure to take some down time by reading a book and watching my favourite dvd's, Star Trek The Original Series. Something I have learnt over the past 15 years is that pushing yourself too much lands you in big trouble. 

Previous post -  Tuesday 18th August                                
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Tuesday 18th August 2015

It’s 3am in the morning so it’s technically Wednesday not Tuesday, I can’t get to sleep and I can’t concentrate on my book because I cannot switch off my brain. I am still struggling with my physical health as well as my mental health and my stress levels are going through the roof because I don’t what the right thing to do is.  

Phoning the GI doctors is probably the right thing to do but if the pelvic and hip pain is just being caused by the adhesions then there is nothing they can really do for them. If I was to go into hospital then I can’t pack and sort stuff out for moving in a week and a halves time. I know I live with my parents and they could pack for me but they have their own things to do, it’s not just the packing though there is Snowball to think about as well. We have made the decision to put her in the cattery from Friday morning to the Sunday morning but I really want to be here for her when she comes home, I hope that she does not become too stressed.


Previous post -  Sunday 16th August                                
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Sunday 16th August 2015

So my health has decided that it wants to cause even more problems than it normally does. Originally I put it down to hormones because I always feel icky when I get those times of the months but I think there might be something else going on even people, are starting to notice which is saying something. Over the years I have become very good at hiding how ill I am (thank god I for makeup) but it’s really hard to hide glassy, staring eyes.

Today the cramps have been quite low down in my stomach and it feels like I always need to go to the loo to pass urine even though I have just been. I have been taking my normal pain medication but it doesn’t help lessen the pain, thankfully heat does help so I think I will be spending a lot of time in the bath and have my heating pad on full blast.

Previous post -  Tuesday 11th August                                
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Tuesday 11th August 2015

So it’s been a week since our phone and broadband was cut off and it doesn’t look like it will be switched back on anytime soon despite my mother phoning them every day. It’s really ridiculous how my parents have been treated by this service provider; they have been with this company for 35 years and never missed a payment. My mum even explained to them how I had multiple health problems and require access to a phone at all times because if my health deteriorates I need to get in touch with the hospital, GP or even an ambulance ASAP but even that didn’t seem to make a difference.

It really is going to be a bummer that our internet won’t be back up and running before we move as I had planned to write a number of posts for my Being A Chronically Beautiful Girl and A Crohn’s Life blogs and then schedule them to upload when we moved because it will likely take a wee while for the internet to be set up in the new house. All I can really do now is write down the drafts on paper and when we get the broadband back type them up and post them.

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Saturday 8th August 2015

I have been struggling really badly with depression since Wednesday and it’s all due to our internet being cut off, how sad is that? I never realised how much speaking to other chronic illness warriors on Twitter and Facebook helped me, it definitely makes me feel less alone and isolated. There is something else that it has made me realise and that is I spend way too much time on sites like YouTube and World of Tanks. It needs to stop, I love to read and make things so I should be doing that instead of being on the internet all the time. When did I become one of these people who sits on the computer all the time? That’s right when the shit hit the fan and I became agoraphobic.

The final thing that having no internet has made me realise is I only have a couple of friends outwith the internet world. I can only blame myself for having no friends, I tend to avoid speaking to people because they always like to ask questions like how are you doing and honestly that is my most hated question because try as they might people without a chronic illness do not understand what we go through. People like myself with Crohn’s will never get better unless there is a cure and even if there is a cure the damage has already been done to our bodies.

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Friday 17th July 2015

So there are two main things happening with me at the moment can you guess what they are? If you guessed Crohn’s problems and anxiety then you would be right. The last thing that I need now is worsening health problems because I need to go through all my stuff and get it packed up for moving in 6 week’s time.  

My main issues at the moment are fevers and really bad fatigue. The fevers aren’t too big of an issue for me because they happen so much these days and usually after a couple of doses of paracetamol it settles down but when it comes to fatigue there is no medication to make it better.

I decided to treat myself to some new books this week because when we move house in August we are going to be without internet for a while which means I am going to have plenty time on my hands because I will not be able to work on any of my blogs. I purchased 5 books with 4 of them being fantasy books as I am trying to broaden my horizons when it comes to the types of books that I read. 

I mainly read what you would call Chick-lit books but when I am on goodreads or book tube (YouTube channels about books) I see so many people raving and recommending fantasy books so they must be worth reading.

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Saturday 5th July 2015

So I am finally able to tell you all that I am going to be moving house at the end of August, woohoo!!!!! 

I am still going to be living with my parents but hey what can you do when you are chronically ill and unemployed. I know that I sometimes complain about living at home with my parents but I honestly think I wouldn't be able to cope living by myself because on my sick days I can hardly do anything and it takes me all my time to go to the loo or take my medication when I am like that. I also don't think I would be happy living in on my own, as much as I love peace and quiet I am also one of these people who has to have some face to face interaction every day because if I don't those lonely feelings start to kick in. 

I have decided that I am going to treat this moving house like a fresh start. I have lived in this current house since I was 9 years old, I was living in this house when diagnosed with Crohn's and when I was at my sickest so there is a lot of bad memories here but there is some good memories too so it will be sad to leave. 

The thing that I most looking forward to about moving is my bedroom has an en-suite which is frickin awesome. Every house I have lived in since I was born has only had one bathroom and if you are a fellow IBDer you will understand how much of a problem this is but it will be a problem no more after August. 

Previous post -  Monday 15th June                                 
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Sunday 13th April 2015

So I still have this stupid pain in my chest and despite putting my dose of  pain killers back up they aren't helping to dull the pain. I have actually been thinking about buying myself a tens machine to see if that would help with that the pain, the only problem is I personally don't know anybody that uses a tens. The problem with not knowing somebody that uses it means I am having do online research but of course you can't believe everything you read on the internet. It would probably be easier if I just went to my GP and asked him about it but would a GP really know much about a tens machine? 

Also this week I had a lovely reminder that a good number of people that I went to school with are married and that a few of them even have kids. The thing is it's not that I don't want to be in a relationship and to get married in fact I would love the happy ever after, it's just I haven't been able to find the right guy. It can be hard to find the right guy at the best of times but when you have chronic illness it can be a little bit harder. You need to find a man that isn't going to run away when things get tough because life certainly isn't easy sometimes and also it would help if he didn't freak out at the sight of blood or puke. 


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Saturday 14th March 2015

So it's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote because I ended up going through a bad period of depression once again. If you read my previous blog post then you will know that I lost another one of my top front teeth. It's very safe to say that this has ruined my confidence completely and also my plans to go to a wedding reception, which actually took place last night went out the window. 

I get so sick of battling with depression, I may be on a high dose of anti-depressants but they never seem to do anything for me. When I mentioned this to my GP (general practitioner) he suggested that I change from citaolopram to escitalopram (both antidepressants) and I thought to myself is that not basically the same medication? I honestly don't think the change in medication is going to be the answer to my problems because I really only get depressed when my physical health takes a turn for the worst, so if  my physical health improves my mental health improves.

I think I am going to a bit of research and see if I can find any other things that might help. There must be some alternative to taking medication that has a load of side effects and interacts with the other meds that I am taking.  


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