So I have been quite upset these last few days and it's all due to not being able to have something that could or should I say would make my life better.
If you are a regular reader of my blog you will know that a) I live in the UK and b) I suffer from major anxiety issues and have been battling with an anxiety disorder called agoraphobia for over a year now. In the UK there is currently no organisation that trains Psychiatric Service Dogs but this week I discovered an organisation called Service Dogs Europe which is based in the Republic of Ireland but supply highly trained dogs to all of Europe.
You would not believe how elated I was when I found out that they served the UK but my elation was very short lived because when I told my family, who I have to stay with due to financial reasons said I could not have one. It really broke my heart when they said no because I felt that this is the only thing that is going to help me with my anxiety and agoraphobia, you would think someone would be happy and agree to something that is going to make your life better but obviously not. Also it's not like that pet therapy hasn't been proven to help me because since getting my cat Snowball my depression is better, I don't feel so alone anymore and I don't shut myself away in bedroom like I use to.
All I can really hope for is that either they change their mind or I find enough money to move into my own place.
Previous post - Sunday 13th April
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So it's been a wee while since I last wrote and that is for a couple of reasons.
If you read my previous post (16th March) you will know that I made the decision to stop taking my dihydrocodeine pain medication. I have to say the withdrawal wasn't actually as bad as I thought it was going to be but that was probably due to the fact that I decided not to go down the cold turkey route. I did originally think about doing the cold turkey route but after reading up about opiate withdrawal I changed my mind because I thought it was a bit too dangerous to do it by myself, so instead I decided to go from 4-5 tablets a day to 2 tablets a day. The main side effects that I had was feeling sick, feeling agitated, shivering and an upset stomach which meant I ended up with a higher ostomy output. The honest truth is the symptoms weren't any worse then a bad Crohn's flare, I don't know if what happened to me was normal because I heard and read so many stories about people being really unwell when they do this.
Everything went well for the first week and half but I then developed terrible back and shoulder pain as well as pain all round my ribcage. :( I tried my hardest not to put my dihydrocodiene dose back up but in the end I had no other choice because things were becoming more and more difficult. It's not the first time time that I have had inflammation in my chest, I actually think I have had inflammation in every part of my body these past 15 and a 1/2 years but it's jso annoying that it had to rear it's ugly head when I was just starting out with reducing the dose. I really hope this current flare up in my chest doesn't last too long or trigger inflammation off somewhere else because I want to get the dose back down to 2 dihydrocodiene tablets a day as so as possible.
Previous post - Monday 16th March
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Today I made a decision and it is probably one of my more crazy ideas but I think it will make a difference to my life, plus I know I will be happier and happiness equals feeling less depressed.
Soooooo I have decided to stop taking the dihydrocodeine pain medication (semi-synthetic opioid pain medication).
I have been taking these pain meds for the past 4-5 years so you can see why this is a crazy idea, especially when I still battle with pain every single day. Why have I decided to stop these pain killers you may ask well the mental and physical side effects of these tablets affect my day to day life and at the beginning of this year I made a promise to myself that I was going to get my life back on track and to do this I need to get rid of my non crohn's medication that have horrible side effects.
Today is day one of getting rid of these stupid tablets, well there not stupid really because they do help with pain but you know what I mean and so far things are going well. This day is probably going to easiest day out of all of them but at the moment I am determined to do this because I know that despite being in more pain then normal that I my life will be better due to the fact I will no longer have to deal with the horrible side effects.
Previous post - Saturday 14th March
Next post - Monday 6th April
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So it's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote because I ended up going through a bad period of depression once again. If you read my previous blog post then you will know that I lost another one of my top front teeth. It's very safe to say that this has ruined my confidence completely and also my plans to go to a wedding reception, which actually took place last night went out the window.
I get so sick of battling with depression, I may be on a high dose of anti-depressants but they never seem to do anything for me. When I mentioned this to my GP (general practitioner) he suggested that I change from citaolopram to escitalopram (both antidepressants) and I thought to myself is that not basically the same medication? I honestly don't think the change in medication is going to be the answer to my problems because I really only get depressed when my physical health takes a turn for the worst, so if my physical health improves my mental health improves.
I think I am going to a bit of research and see if I can find any other things that might help. There must be some alternative to taking medication that has a load of side effects and interacts with the other meds that I am taking.
Previous post - Saturday 28th February
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Hello my fellow warrior's, I hope you are all doing okay. I just wanted to do an update post to tell you what's been going on and why there hasn't been any blog posts for a wee while.
So basically things have been happening one thing after the other at which is the reason why there hasn't been any activity on here. I am going to be writing catch up posts about everything that has happened over the past month.
Okay that it is it for today's post. Always try to keep strong and positive because you are a superhero, love you all. xx
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So it's been 2 weeks since I last wrote a diary entry because I am struggling really bad with depression. I know that you are probably all sick of hearing about my depression but this blog is about my life and depression is part of my life even though I don't want it to be.
January is always one of those months were my depression is noticeably worse but we are now more then half way through February and I do not feel any better. When I am suffering this bad with depression it is extremely hard for me to function so I am really bad at looking after myself because I honestly get to the point where I do not care. I really do try my hardest to do at least one productive thing, which is normally to make pureed food for myself but that doesn't always happen and I will go a few days with out eating properly.
I really do wish I knew why these extremely bad periods of depression keep happening especially when I take anti depressants. The mind is a really complicated thing so I probably will never know what causes it, I just wish there was a cure for depression.
Previous post - Tuesday 3rd February
Next post - Friday 20th February
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So I have made a big decision and a lot of people will think I am mad but I don't care one little bit because I am doing this for my own happiness nobody else's.
As mentioned in the previous post you will remember me saying that I thought my disgusting teeth or should I say that they are! one of the triggers for my depression and agoraphobia, well I have made decision to have them all removed and get myself a full set of false teeth. I have always been one of those people who has struggled with body confidence over the years but thankfully as I have gotten older I struggle less with the body confidence issues. I actually consider myself to be very lucky is some aspects, I have lovely skin and I have a pretty decent stomach considering I have had operations on it but these teeth I cannot stand to look at them.
I have explained this decision to my family and they are very supportive so all I need to do now is find a dentist that will remove the ones that I have left because I have a funny feeling that my current dentist will say no. The dentist that I have at moment always tries to repair my teeth which I don't want and if I do need any removed or should I say roots removed he sends me to the maxillofacial unit at the hospital as he classes me as high risk patient because of all my medical problems. When I have had some teeth "roots" removed at hospital there has never been any issues because I always get a course of antibiotics and antibacterial mouthwash so I don't see why can't he just removed them.
Previous post - Sunday 18th January
Next post - Thursday 3rd February
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I am really, really, really sorry that I have fallen so far behind with my blog posts but I have been dealing with some personal problems that I am not ready to disclose yet and as well as that I have also been sick. :(
Last night was a bad night because depression hit me really hard once again. I normally find it hard to pin point what exactly causes the episodes of depression but this time I have a good idea why.
Number 1 on the list of causes is my teeth. My teeth are absolutely disgusting and I have to say that they are probably one of the main causes of my agoraphobia. Over the past 15 years my poor health, bouts of malnutrition and bad genes has led me to have major teeth issues, every single one of my teeth are rotten and I am currently missing 3 teeth soon to be 4 as one of them is a bit wobbly.
Number 2 on the list is not being able to see my favourite bands. On Thursday (15th Jan) tickets for the Fall Out Boy UK show's went on sale and as per normal my local venue is standing only which of course is not any use to me because I cannot stand for long periods of times. Now don't get me wrong I totally understand why people want to stand but it is extremely unfair for those who love music but can't go to see their favourite bands because there is no seating. Another concert that I wanted to go to was The Script but the only seating that is available is for disabled people. I may have multiple illnesses but I have never classed myself as being disabled plus my illnesses invisible so unless I pull up my shirt then you can't tell that I have medical problems. To me it feels wrong to buy disabled tickets but then I always think to myself how am I ever going to get to concert's at my local venue?
Previous post - Tuesday 12th January
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Two good things have happened to me since I last wrote. Number 1, my pro makeup case came a day early and number 2, the person who runs the Cat's Protection blog liked the article that I wrote.
I submitted the article that I wrote to the Cat's Protection yesterday but I couldn't check my emails until this evening because I was just too chicken. I was really scared that I was going to get an email back from them saying that they did not like what I wrote but all that stress and worry was for nothing because they really liked it! Even though doing this guest post has caused me a good deal of stress and nervousness I am very glad that I did it because it has given me a much needed confidence boost when it comes to writing blog posts, I am not the thick person that people have told me that I am.
So as I said the pro makeup case that I ordered from amazon came a day early.
I wasn't exactly sure what the quality was going to be like as it is a good bit cheaper then the other makeup cases on the internet but I don't think you could actually get a better quality case. Now I just need to start building up my kit which is not going to be easy because building up a good kit is going to cost a quite a bit of money plus there is a lot of products that I want to test out on myself before I put it into my professional kit.
Previous post - Tuesday 12th January
Next post - Sunday 18th January
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Blimey last night was a rough one and I had thought Christmas night was a bad but compared to last night it wasn't.
So last night I had a another very upset stomach which was worse then my last one. I had to empty my ostomy bag every hour for 3 hours and I also ended up being physically sick, which I thought I was unable do these days. In the past when I tried to be physically sick nothing has ever come up past the stricture's, even when I have used a great deal of force. This time round I didn't have to use that much force so my oesophagus must have opened up by itself which is really great. It would be really nice if it would open up just a wee bit more because I find that if there is any lumps in the pureed food that I eat I always I end up choking. Every time I get a piece of food stuck in my oesophagus it normally irritates the lining and makes it swell shut for a few days so if the oesophagus would just open up a bit more I would never have to go through the whole trying to bring food back up and not being able to eat again.
Previous posts - Thursday 1st December
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So it's a New Year and do I feel any different to last year, well the answer would be no.
I have never done the whole New Year's resolutions thing until this year but 2014 was such a shit year and I really do not want to repeat it this year. So far I have a few resolutions for this year and unlike everyone else none of them involve starting a new diet or losing weight. I should actually make one of my resolutions to eat more pureed food seeing as I lost 10kg because of the Crohn's and dysphagia last year but making pureed food can be time consuming.
The two main resolutions that I would really like to stick this year and they are.....
Number 1)
I am really bad at focusing on the future and because of that I would say my life has really kind of stalled, I need to get my fire back.
Number 2)
A lot of time the I hide who I am really am because it doesn't conform to what the world wants or people disapprove of the things I like, one example of this is I like to my clothing to have an edginess e.g wearing a really girly dress with a pair of Doc Martens. Another example is, I love tattoos but some people think that they make you look common or rough but to me they are art.
I do have a couple more resolutions such as be more organised, do things that I have been meaning to do for ages, bake more and start to teach myself special effects makeup and face and body painting.
Previous posts - Monday 29th December
Next post - Thursday 6th January
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I have been feeling kind of low over the past few days, I suppose you can call it the post Christmas blues. I feel like I have nothing fun to look forward to anymore as all I have coming up is hospital things and I hate anything hospital related. I know that New Year is this week but I honestly do not find New Year that interesting or fun, maybe it has something to do with having no friends to go out with.
Seeing as I was so down in the dumps I decided to take advantage of the Schuh sale despite people telling me that I didn't need anymore shoes. I bought 2 pairs of Rocket Dog boots and got 36% off and as far as I am concerned they were worth purchasing because a) they are sensible shoes and b) Rocket Dog shoes do not cause blisters on my feet like other brands of shoes.
I was also going to make some clothing purchases from a website but the discount code that they had wouldn't work, which sucks.
Previous posts - Thursday 25th December
Next post - Thursday 1st December
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Today I had my annual boxing day stomach problems. This year I didn't think it would be that bad because I didn't have a full Christmas lunch but boy was I wrong about that, it has to be one of the worst Boxing day's I have ever had. I am not a 100% sure what has caused it, I can only think of one possible thing that it could be and that is having soup, a glass of wine and tablets all in such a short period of time.** Soup and wine have always made my ostomy output higher then normal plus your are not suppose to take dihydrocodeine and antidepressants with alcohol so that probably is the reason why the guts are playing up today.
DISCLAIMER - **I DO NOT recommend that take you medication with alcohol, especially if it says avoid alcohol on the medication box or on the leaflet that comes in the box **
Previous posts - Thursday 25th December
Next post - Monday 29th Decmeber
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So today has been a great Christmas day. :) :) :)
I actually thought that Christmas Day was going to be pretty rubbish this year because I wasn't going to be able to eat. When it comes to Christmas I am a very traditional person, Christmas is all about spending time with family and one of the main things about the day is the Christmas dinner. The first year that I ever couldn't sit down and eat dinner with the family was back in 2011 and I remember that day very well because it is the one and only Christmas that I have ever felt depressed. It was extremely hard for me to sit and watch other people eat food so I had to remove myself from the table and go and sit in the living room but sitting in the living room listening to everyone else in the dining room left me feeling alone and very upset. Thankfully this year though I am still able to take liquids so what I did was puree the broth in the blender and then put it through the sieve to remove any bits that was left. It worked a treat so I was able to sit at the table everybody and eat a whole bowel of soup and I may have even had a cheeky glass of wine as well.
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I have been blethering way to much about food so lets get on to other things now.
I loved every single one of my gifts that I received this year. One of the things I that I love about my family is how much they understand the things I like. Okay I do write a Christmas list every year but I always get things that I don't have on my list and they always become firm favourites and I think to myself why didn't I put that on my list.
The little furball also seems to be enjoying her Christmas present because she has been using quite a bit today.
I am very sad that Christmas is over for another year, I really do wish that it could last longer because no matter how bad my health is I always feel happy at Christmas.
Previous posts - Wednesday 24th December
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This morning when I woke up I was feeling really sick so the baking got a bit delayed but I did manage to make the little mince pie cakes in the afternoon with the help from my mum.
It was the first time using my Kitchen Aid mixer and all I can say is, it is worth every single penny. I am really pleased that I have finally found something that makes it possible for me to bake again, f**ck you chronic illnesses Leona will always find a way to win the battle. There was one thing I didn't get to make today and that was the Ginger Christmas cake because stupid me forgot to soak the dried fruit in the ginger wine on Tuesday.
I must say that, looking after my sister with special needs, making the cakes and wrapping presents did take it out of me and by the end of the day I was feeling really tired and in pain but I felt really good about myself because I had a very productive day, I can't actually remember the last time I had a day like. There is just something about Christmas that makes all my troubles like the depression go away.
Previous posts - Monday 22nd December
- Bonus post: Merry Christmas Everyone
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