Sunday 26th April 2015

So I have been quite upset these last few days and it's all due to not being able to have something that could or should I say would make my life better. 

If you are a regular reader of my blog you will know that a) I live in the UK and b) I suffer from major anxiety issues and have been battling with an anxiety disorder called agoraphobia for over a year now. In the UK there is currently no organisation that trains Psychiatric Service Dogs but this week I discovered an organisation called Service Dogs Europe which is based in the Republic of Ireland but supply highly trained dogs to all of Europe. 

You would not believe how elated I was when I found out that they served the UK but my elation was very short lived because when I told my family, who I have to stay with due to financial reasons said I could not have one. It really broke my heart when they said no because I felt that this is the only thing that is going to help me with my anxiety and agoraphobia, you would think someone would be happy and agree to something that is going to make your life better but obviously not. Also it's not like that pet therapy hasn't been proven to help me because since getting my cat Snowball my depression is better, I don't feel so alone anymore and I don't shut myself away in bedroom like I use to.  

All I can really hope for is that either they change their mind or I find enough money to move into my own place.

Previous post - Sunday 13th April                                               
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Tuesday 17th February 2015

So it's been 2 weeks since I last wrote a diary entry because I am struggling really bad with depression. I know that you are probably all sick of hearing about my depression but this blog is about my life and depression is part of my life even though I don't want it to be.

January is always one of those months were my depression is noticeably worse but we are now more then half way through February and I do not feel any better. When I am suffering this bad with depression it is extremely hard for me to function so I am really bad at looking after myself because I honestly get to the point where I do not care. I really do try my hardest to do at least one productive thing, which is normally to make pureed food for myself but that doesn't always happen and I will go a few days with out eating properly. 

I really do wish I knew why these extremely bad periods of depression keep happening especially when I take anti depressants. The mind is a really complicated thing so I probably will never know what causes it, I just wish there was a cure for depression.

Previous post - Tuesday 3rd February                                                               
                                                                                             Next post - Friday 20th February

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Thursday 22nd January 2015

So I have made a big decision and a lot of people will think I am mad but I don't care one little bit because I am doing this for my own happiness nobody else's.

As mentioned in the previous post you will remember me saying that I thought  my disgusting teeth or should I say that they are! one of the triggers for my depression and agoraphobia, well I have made decision to have them all removed and get myself a full set of false teeth. I have always been one of those people who has struggled with body confidence over the years but thankfully as I have gotten older I struggle less with the body confidence issues. I actually consider myself to be very lucky is some aspects, I have lovely skin and I have a pretty decent stomach considering I have had operations on it but these teeth I cannot stand to look at them.

I have explained this decision to my family and they are very supportive so all I need to do now is find a dentist that will remove the ones that I have left because I have a funny feeling that my current dentist will say no. The dentist that I have at moment always tries to repair my teeth which I don't want and if I do need any removed or should I say roots removed he sends me to the maxillofacial unit at the hospital as he classes me as high risk patient because of all my medical problems. When I have had some teeth "roots" removed at hospital there has never been any issues because I always get a course of antibiotics and antibacterial mouthwash so I don't see why can't he just removed them. 


Previous post - Sunday 18th January                                                                  
                                                                                              Next post - Thursday 3rd February

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Merry Christmas Everyone!

This is a very quick post because I wanted to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas!! and I really hope you have all had a wonderful pain free day. 

I would also like to take this opportunity to say thank you all for taking the time to read my blog this year. It really means a lot to me and I really hope that my blog makes you feel less alone in your against these chronic illness and that it also shows you that you can still have a life even though you have an illness. 

Well that's it for this post, enjoy the rest of your day and remember to keep strong and keep fighting. xx

Previous post -  Monday 22nd December                                                                                                                                                                           Next post - Wednesday 24th December

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Sunday 9th November 2014

So I spent most of my weekend trying to write a Christmas/Birthday list as it has come to that time of year where everyone wants to know what I want for Christmas. The thing is there is only one thing that I want for Christmas and that is a dog, a collie dog to be precise but the parents don't want any more pets so I am just going to have to wait until I get a place of my own and goodness knows when that will be. I know at the moment it looks very unlikely that I will ever have my own place to live as my career prospects don't look promising at the moment because the Crohn's and dysphagia doesn't not look like it is going to go away any time soon but I will never give up on my dream having my own house a collie dog. 


Previous post -  Thursday 6th November                                                                                                                                                                     Next post - Thursday 20th November

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Thursday 6th November 2014

So this week it is Leona 1 - Agrophobia 0. 

If you read my previous blog post you will know that I planned to go to the organised fireworks in the city, well I am very pleased to say that I managed to go. I may have sat in the car the whole time but that is not the point I managed to get of the house for over an hour and it's the furthest I have been away from the house (13 miles from home) since I came out of the hospital on 11th of April. I did find it extremely nerve racking, my legs turned to jelly and I was sweating like a pig but my desire to see the fireworks out weight the desire to be safe and stay at home. 

Going to the display meant that I was able to try out my new Canon 70D for the very first time. I did get some really  good photos but some of the other ones were a bit blurred but considering it was the first time using the camera and I was using it in the dark I got more good photos then I was expecting.

To see all the photographs that I took then click on this link - http://goo.gl/7CFg2L

I am really glad that I pushed myself through my anxiety/agoraphobia barrier because I really did enjoy it and I actually think I would have been very upset if I hadn't pushed myself to go. 


Previous post -  Tuesday 4th November                                                                                                                                                                          Next post - Sunday 9th November

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Tuesday 4th November 2014

So things finally picked up for me mood wise since I  last wrote, I no longer feel depressed and I have got my old fighting spirit back. 

The grumpy guts are still playing up, I still have that pain on the right hand side that goes from above my ileostomy down to my hip. I am really starting to wonder if the pain is were the adhesion's are, I forgot to ask my GI doctor where they were when he told me about them. 

Tomorrow I have set myself a challenge and that is to go to the city and see the firework display that they put on for Bonfire Night, I have actually only ever missed one of display's and I would really like to keep it that way. Now you may be thinking how are you going to go to a very crowded place well I'm not, every time I go to the display I find a place to park the car that has view of the fireworks then sit in the car and watch them. It sounds very simple and easy to me at the moment but by tomorrow my brain will be thinking about the worst possible situations and then I will probably think that staying at home is what I should do because it's a safe place. 


Previous post - Tuesday 28th October                                                                                                                                                                          Next post - Thursday 6th November

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Tuesday 28th October 2014

So since I last wrote things went really down hill with my physical health and it badly affected my mental health. 

The day after I wrote I ended up having a pretty bad Crohn's flare (because I have a bad form of crohn's I normally have some sort of flare everyday) which resulted in me having severe pain on the right hand side that went from above my ileostomy down to my hip. As well as the stomach pain I had really bad crushing chest and collar bone pain, for me the chest pain is always the worst, I really hate how my chest feels like it's being crushed because it's bloody scary. 

Due to having these physical health problems my mental health took a bit of a nose dive again. Saturday and Sunday were the worst days because I kind of lost the will to fight, which in turn meant I stopped taking care of myself properly. What didn't help the situation was those sleeping tablets, I shouldn't have taken them and I will probably never ever take them because they ended up giving me terrible nightmare's and I also kept seeing spiders which was absolutely horrible. 


Previous post - Thursday 23rd October                                                                                                                                                                    Next post - Tuesday 4th November

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Thursday 23rd October 2014

This week has been a mixed bag but more good things have happened then a bad so that a positive in itself. 

At the beginning of the week I had a mini meltdown due lack of sleep, so on Tuesday I bit the bullet and asked my GP (primary care physician) for some a couple of sleeping tablets. He ended up giving me a weeks supply of zoplicone which really doesn't work for me as they stop working after two doses and they also give me hallucinations, thankfully though the hallucinations are not as bad as the Ketamine pain medication ones. I did get those couple of good nights sleep that I had been badly wanting so now I am not as over tired but I still need to get a lot more sleep. When I was also on the phone to him I told him how every time I ordered a repeat prescription it said I needed to attend a review appointment at the health centre, so he sorted that issue out as well.

So yesterday I received my new camera, the Canon 70D. 

I cannot tell you how happy I am to have this baby in my possession. :) :) :) I also got an excellent deal with my camera, it came with a free canon camera bag, which will fit my new camera and two lenses and I also got a 32GB extreme SD card. 

Normally the bag and SD card would cost £88.99 but I got it for free which brill because I need a bag and SD card to put this camera in. 

Previous post - Sunday 19th October                                                                                                                                                                          Next post - Tuesday 28th October

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Sunday 19th October 2014

By Friday all my new Halloween decorations arrived so I spent most of Friday putting them up. Now you may be thinking to yourself how can it take you most of the day to put up decorations in one room well when you are suffering badly with a chronic illness everything takes you twice as long to do. As soon as I start doing anything at the moment I start to feel sick and I also go from being constantly freezing cold to pouring with sweat but never mind about my health my Halloween decorating turned out great I actually think that this is best bit of Halloween decorating I have ever done. 

Also today I finally took the plunge and bought something that I have been wanting for a very, very, very long time now and that is the Canon 70D DLSR camera. I have been wanting to upgrade from my 550D for a while now because the 70D is a higher spec then my old DLSR but at over £800 it's a bit expensive. The thing is over the last 7 years I have come to realise that life is short and you only have one life so you need to do what you want now because when your time comes you don't want to look back at your life and have regrets. 


Previous post - Wednesday 15th October                                                                                                                                                                      Next post - 

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Wednesday 15th October 2014

So since my last diary entry things have been up and now, especially with my grumpy guts. I have developed this pain on the left hand side above my ostomy/stoma and also sometimes my bowels or should I say bowel feels really clogged up. In normal circumstances I would think I have some sort of obstruction but how can I have an obstruction when I don't eat any solid food. It honestly doesn't make any sense but when does anything make sense when it comes to my health problems, in the words of doctor's I am complicated. 

Today I had my 2nd assessment appointment with the Occupational Therapist and it went as well as the first one did, we talked some more about the things I have phobias of, which is surprise, surprise is hospital's and medical tests. Also today we discussed what goals I would like to achieve and I also mentioned how I thought the medication that I was on wasn't making any difference to my anxiety and depression. So the outcome of the appointment was that I am to start desensitization, I have know I idea what it is about but she did give some material to read on desensitization.

As well as the desensitization she is going is going to arrange an appointment for me to see the community psychiatrist so that I can get the medication that I am on reassessed so maybe I will get something that actually works. The final thing we discussed was going out of the house, so next Thursday she is going to come and I am going to attempt to go out in the car, which is going to be very interesting. I think the key thing for me to do is not over think the situation but I am one of these people who does over think situation's and worries about what could possibly go wrong.



Previous post - Monday 6th October                                                                                                                                                                      Next post - Sunday 19th October

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Monday 6th October 2014

Apologies for this diary entry being posted late but I have been struggling with my physical health and I have also had really bad brain fog these last few days so I am really sorry if this post doesn't make sense in places.  

The depression has seemed to have past and I am feeling a bit happier and more positive now. I always find it really difficult at this time of year because a lot bad things have happened to me in October so it always brings back a lot of bad memories plus I also think I have a touch of seasonal affective disorder.

So today was my first session with the occupational therapist and it went really well, she is a really lovely, friendly Irish woman so I felt totally at ease when I was speaking to her. The plan that the community mental health team have at the moment is for the occupational therapist to do 2-3 assessment appointments and then she will go back and speak to the psychologist, they will then decide on which form of treatment I will need but because I am already on anti depressants and beta blockers it will probably be something like cognitive behavioural therapy or counselling.  

As I said the appointment went really well and I think that is probably due to the fact that she understands about anxiety problems and depression, unlike my GI team who do not seem to have a clue. It really helps to speak to somebody who has some knowledge of these types of issues because it makes you feel a lot less stupid, sometimes when you speak to people who have never had any experience with anxiety or depression they make you feel stupid and even in some cases they like to make fun of your problems which is just plain nasty. 



Previous post - Thursday 2nd October                                                                                                                                                                Next post - Wednesday 15th October

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Thursday 2nd October 2014

So since I last wrote (Thurs 25th Sept) nothing much has really changed I am still struggling with my mood and the extra stress that I am being put under is not helping matters plus my grumpy guts are starting to play up now because of the stress.

So on Tuesday I got another letter from the GI clinic with another appointment for the 20th of October. I have already told them a few times now that I have agoraphobia and I said that I will either phone my GI's secetary or IBD nurse to tell them when I am able to go to appointments again but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. The other doctor that I am having issues with is a new GP who has recently joined the health centre that I go to. This GP keeps putting notes on any prescriptions that I order saying that my review appointment is over due but it's not. My review appointment was due on the 24th June so on the 26th June I had a phone appointment (as I couldn't go out of the house) with the GP that I regularly see, we discussed the issues that I was having with my anxiety, depression and Crohn's and he told me to say on the same medication that I was on. I really would wish this new GP would mind their own business especially as I have never seen them before. 

One good thing that has happened since I last wrote is I got my Debenhams order on Saturday.

Last week Debenhams was doing 10% off all beauty and fragrance so I decided to take full advantage of the discount plus I thought to I deserve to treat myself to something that makes me happy after all the crap I have had to deal with recently. I always suffer from criticism when I buy make up, every body's like you have enough makeup already, you are never going to use it all but this is my hobby, it's what I love and it's make me happy so I am going to continue buying it.


Previous post - Thursday 25th September                                                                                                                                                                  Next post - Monday 6th October

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Thursday 25th September 2014

I really wish I could say that things stayed happy and positive but they didn't things finally got on top of me and I ended up being in a very bad head space today. 

As I said in the previous diary entry on Tuesday I had a bit of a rough day well the rough day's continued yesterday and today, with today being worst day so far. On Tuesday I was just having Crohn's related problems but on Wednesday my bladder and kidneys decided that they were going to join in too and today I had a parcial obstruction. I have absolutely know idea how I even got this parical blockage because I can't eat solid food due to the oesophageal stricture's being to narrow. 

After having 3 days full of problems I had a mini meltdown and just wanted to give up. I am sick of being in pain, I am sick of feeling sick, I am sick of not being able to eat properly, I am sick of being dehydrated, I am sick of fighting with health care professionals to get treatment, I am just sick of everything. When am I going to feel better, when will I be able to live the life that I want. 


Previous post - Tuesday 23rd September

                                                                                      Next post - Thursday 2nd October

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Tuesday 23rd September 2014

So today has been a bit of a rough day as I have had sickness and pain on and off all day but despite that I have felt really positive. 

I think my positivity is due to having such a good week last week, I honestly haven't had such a good week in a long time. The Crohn's and dysphagia didn't cause to many problems, I didn't feel that depressed, I was able to go out of the house for the first time in 5 months and I have finally managed to get my sleeping pattern back to normal. 

I really do hope that this positive mood will last and that this week will be as good as last week. 


Previous post - Thursday 18th September

                                                                                 Next post - Thursday 25th September

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Thursday 18th September 2014

Today was a good day because....... I went out of the house! I went of the house!! I went out of the house!!!

I think it has been over 5 months since I was last out in a public place, granted it was only for 10 minutes and the place that I went to was really quiet but it's better then not going out at all. On Wednesday I planned to go and vote at the village public hall the following day, by Thursday morning I had changed my mind and decided that I wasn't going but in the late afternoon something changed and I thought screw it I am going to go. So I shoved on some clothes and went out with no makeup on because I thought by the time I have put on makeup I will probably chicken out again. As I was going out of the house I felt like I was in this small bubble, my heart was racing and I started to sweat so bad, I just kept telling myself in my head that everything was going to be fine, nothing was going to happen and of course in the end everything was fine. 

I have been thinking about what my next goal should be and I think it should be the village shop. The village shop isn't that much further away from my house then the public hall but it will be busier. There is one other place that I really want to go and that is the beach because I desperately want to try out that new zoom lens that I for my camera a few weeks back but I don't know if it is a good idea just yet because the beach  is 10 minutes away from my house. 


Previous post - Saturday 13th September

                                                                                  Next post - Tuesday 23rd September

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