Friday 12th July 2019

Since I last wrote several positive and negative things have happened since I last posted on here. I think I will start with the positive things. After 2 previous failed attempts I finally managed to go and visit my friend Lizzy down in the London area and get on a plane to Heathrow which is one of the World's busiest airports all by myself.

For those who are new to reading my blog, I use to have agoraphobia and was not able to go out of the house for a couple of years so doing this trip was a massive achievement for me. Sadly though my trip didn't go completely to plan and it was cut short due to me ending up with some type of gastro bug type thing. Trying to get a flight home was a bit of a nightmare because the flight I managed to book from Heathrow was overbooked so I couldn't get on that plane but thankfully Loganair came to the rescue and I was able to get a seat on their flight from Southend.

You may be wondering why I decided to come home, it was due to my being unsure of what the actual cause was. Five days before I left I had a partial blockage which will become more relevant later on but the last time I got an upset stomach as bad as what I was having I had to be admitted to the hospital for fluids and potassium because my body couldn't cope with having gastroenteritis. As much as I didn't want to come home, I also didn't really want to be stuck in a hospital with a gastro team that didn't know me because I am so complex and I also didn't want to be a bother to Lizzy and her family because as my fellow chronic illness warriors know life can be tough on the patient, family, and friends. Once I arrived home on Sunday evening I immediately had a shower so that I didn't pick any bugs from being on the plane and headed straight to bed. I woke up the following day and was still not feeling any better so I phoned my doctor's surgery and thankfully I got seen just after 11am in the morning which is pretty quick for a Monday as waiting times can be pretty long. The doctor that I saw was not 100% sure what was causing my illness so she decided to send away a blood and stool (poo) sample as well as give me another anti-sickness medication. After a few days of rest, I was feeling a bit better but still not that well despite the test results coming back normal. After a week and a bit of still feeling pain, sickness, and acid reflux I decided to go back to the doctor because I was getting a bit concerned. I saw the same doctor that I did the first time around, she checked my pulse, blood pressure and temperature which were all normal. The last check that she did was of my stomach, she felt an area of fullness so Dr. E thinks my pain and sickness is due to bowel adhesions. Adhesions are sadly a side effect of having the surgery I have had. The doctor decided to put me onto a new anti-sickness medication called metoclopramide, what is different about this medication compared to the other anti-sicknesses is it makes your stomach empty quicker than normal. After being at the doctor I phoned my IBD nurse to let her know what was going on and she thought it was best for me to be seen at the IBD clinic as soon as possible so I have had managed to score myself an appointment for the 7th August, so it's not too far away.

Well, that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading and it shouldn't be too long before you see a new one, until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Where I have been

next post - Tuesday 16th 2019

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Where have I been

So hello there everyone, how are you all doing today?

As you may have seen there has been a serious lack of blog posts for a bit and that is due to a couple of reasons. So in June I was away from home visiting my best friend forever Lizzy in Essex, sadly though 6 days into my trip I became unwell and had to get an urgent flight home which was a whole heap of hassle but all I am going to say is thank goodness for Scottish airline Loganair and there Southend to Aberdeen flight.

Ever since I came back from my trip I have been having health problems which I am going to do more in-depth posts on, thankfully though I am now doing better and ready to get back to some sort of normal or should I say my normal as I will never be completely healthy as much as I want that so bad.


Well, that's it for today's post, after I have finished this post I will start working on some new posts so it shouldn't be too long before you see a new one, until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Saturday 30th March

next post -                          

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Saturday 30th March 2019

In my last entry, I was talking about getting gabapentin for my shoulder pain. It took me 2 days to get the prescription filled because a) the chemist could not give me tablets and b) they forgot to order the liquid medication.

So on Tuesday, I couldn't get the prescription filled because they didn't have a liquid form so they said had to order a bottle of liquid medicine from their stockist and that it would be ready for pick up on Wednesday. Just after lunchtime on Wednesday, I phoned to see if it was ready for pick up so the woman that answered the phone went to check. After being on hold for a few minutes she comes back and says the prescription wouldn't be ready because the medication had not been delivered. I was so annoyed, frustrated and really scared because the pain was making my depression so bad because the suicidal thoughts were starting to pop into my head. Sadly with the depression I have, I do tend to get suicidal thoughts and the reason I got them this time was due to lack of sleep and feeling that this nagging pain will never go away.

On Thursday I finally got the gabapentin and I was so grateful for it. When you start gabapentin you have to build up to the dose that you are supposed to be on, the dose that they wanted to me to be on is 100mg three times a day. For the first day I have to take 100mg once a week, the second week I have to take 100mg two times a day and the third week I take the prescribed dose of 100mg three times a day. I decided the best time to take the dose was before I went to bed because I thought it would relieve the pain enough for me to sleep. The gabapentin did help me sleep on Thursday night the only issue is it's making me really sleepy and I am having a really hard time staying awake which really sucks. It does say on the label "if sleepy do not drive" but I have been on numerous medications that have that on the label but they have never made me as sleepy as this, I do wonder if it is the combination of lack of sleep and new medication that is causing me to be so tired. I really hope that this wears off in the next couple of days because if it doesn't then I will have to stop taking it.

Well, that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading the post. I am already working on a draft for my next post so everything being well you should be able to read it by the end of this week but until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Thursday 21st March

next post -  Where have I been  

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Tuesday 26th March 2019

So ever since I had my 5 day bleed from my problem wound the recurring shoulder pain that I have has been getting progressively worse for over the past week. I have had pain in my shoulder previously but it normally lasts for a few days never a week. I am aware of certain health issues in the abdomen causing referred shoulder pain so I am wondering if the wound that I have where my rectum should be is the cause of my pain. I really should have asked the surgeon when I saw her at the clinic but there was so much going on that it never crossed my mind. The thing about this shoulder pain is, it has been going on for longer then the wound has been there but as I have mentioned in the previous posts the cause of the wound is unknown but one of the potential causes is an abscess so even though the wound wasn't open the abscess would have been growing.

The bad thing is this isn't the worse pain I have felt but it is certainly the most annoying. Over the years I have mainly had sharp stabbing pains but this is a dull, nagging, uncomfortable pain and as well those feelings it also feels like it's being squeezed really tightly. The best way to describe what it feels like is one of those blood pressure machines squeezing your arm all the time.

In May last year (2018) I went to the doctor about my shoulder pain and how it was causing me to get really depressed, I was barely able to sleep and couldn't really move my arm because the discomfort was that bad. When I went to my appointment I saw my regular GP and he put me on gabapentin but once the prescription ran out I never got another one because I didn't find it worked that well. Today though I couldn't take the nagging pain anymore, I literally felt like it was making me go insane and I really wanted to rip my arm off. Instead of phoning and asking to speak to the duty doctor I thought I would try my luck and phone the repeat prescription line but they said I needed to speak to the pharmacist so I spoke to her and explained the whole situation to her. She agreed to issue the prescription for 1 months supply on the condition I made an appointment with one of the GP's.

Things didn't exactly go to plan though and I couldn't pick up the prescription that day. Last year when I got the prescription from the doctor he gave me capsules but this time round the pharmacist said that I could not open capsules, pour out the powder and mix it with water an flush it through my feeding tube so she would prescribed the liquid form of gabapentin, I really don't get why I can't just do it this time as well. The issue with liquid medications is chemists don't tend to stock them because they cost more then tablets so that means I am going to have to wait until tomorrow to get it so that means another day of nagging pain and a night with no sleep.

Well that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading the post. I am already working on a draft for my next post so everything being well you should be able to read it by the end of this week but until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Thursday 21st March

next post - Saturday 30th March

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Thursday 21st March 2019

I got a surprise today, not one of those awesome surprises sadly but I could really use one of them right now. Okay I got sidetracked sorry about that but what happened was the receptionist from my doctor's surgery called me saying that the hospital wanted me to go and have blood tests done today. Now if you are someone who uses the health care system a lot you know that things like that very rarely happen so I made an appointment for later that afternoon. At the moment I still need to get my mum to drive me places because I haven't yet overcome my anxiety enough to start driving again yet but I am determined to overcome my anxiety and be able to drive myself places whenever I want.

I went in and got my bloods done by the phlebotomist today which was good because normally getting blood out of me with the first poke is hard to do because my veins are so bad but she managed with no bother at all. I expected them to do all the normal bloods that I get done but they didn't which I found strange. When I mean normal bloods for me I get my kidneys checked because my potassium can be low at some times, I get a liver function test to keep an eye on my struggling liver, I get a CRP to check my inflammation levels as I have an chronic illness that causes inflammation in my body and the final thing that gets checked is a full blood count which checks a number of things in my body but all the surgeon wanted is a kidney function and full blood count for some reason.

There was something that I forgot to include in my last entry and that was I can't go down to Essex and visit my friend for her birthday which has really upset me because I promised her that I would go down and stay for a week. I feel so terrible letting my best friend down who is like a sister to me but because she is so awesome she understood why I couldn't come. Deep down I know myself that travelling down is not a good idea, it took me 4 hours to get ready for my hospital appointment. I had a massive 5 day bleed from the Thursday to the Monday and it took a major toll on my body. the blood lost caused me to feel dizzy, I was feeling cold, my normal heart rate is around the 60's but when I was getting ready for the hospital yesterday it was up at a 120, I was having a hard time breathing and was feeling more fatigued then normal. As much as I really want to go it's just not safe for me to do so, I just wish my heart and head would agree but my heart says I should go and my head doesn't. I know I will get to visit her one day I just have to be patient.

Well that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading the post. I am already working on a draft for my next post so everything being well you should be able to read it by the end of this week but until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

previous post - Wednesday 20th March

next post - Tuesday 26th March 

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Wednesday 20th March 2019

So today was the important surgical appointment. I don't know what happened but the anxiety that I have been having about this appointment completely disappeared, I don't know how it happened but it did which was amazing. It was a good thing my anxiety was gone because the doctor was running over an hour late and I think if my anxiety had been as bad as it normally had been I would have walked out of that clinic.

So after an hour of waiting I finally got seen by the consultant. I have met most of the surgical consultants at my hospital but not this one, she seems really nice though and reminds me of the surgeon that did my previous operations so that's good. The one thing that sucked about this appointment is I had to wait over an hour for 5 minutes with her. To be honest there really isn't much she can do apart from look at it as there is so much over granulation tissue now that it's covered the actually wound opening, even if she could see the opening she can't see what's going on in the inside and the number 1 suspect in what caused this  wound thing is an abscess so she really needs to see whats going on in the inside.

Due to not being not being able to see what's going on the surgeon who I am going to name Miss S has decided the 1st thing that needs to be done is a pelvic MRI and once they get the results they will decide if a small bowel study MRI is required. I really hope that I don't need one of those because the Klean prep that they give you makes me really, really, really unwell and by that I mean violently sick and poop for Scotland because the prep is actually a laxative. After the MRI is done Miss S will be doing surgery to clean up the wound so the healing process will begin again. I honestly don't know how they can take away anymore skin and tissue because they took so much away the first time round, I actually did wonder if it reopened due to the skin being too tight but no one has ever mentioned that could have been the cause.

Another thing I got told today was if I start bleeding again I have to go to A and E and get seen because the last thing Miss S wants is for me to pass out but the problem is I really don't want to have to go. The issue with going to A and E is it will be a waste of their time and mine because there really isn't much they can do and surgeons won't do surgery because what I have really isn't an urgent thing. I suppose right now all I can do is wait and I hate waiting.

Well that's it for today's post, I hope you enjoyed reading the post. I am already working on a draft for my next post so everything being well you should be able to read it by the end of this week but until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

You can also follow me on 

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Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
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Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

A prefect time to restart this blog

Hello there all you wonderful people, it's been a very long time since I posted something on here and I am sorry about that.

Sooooooooooooo you may be wondering why it has been so long since you last saw a post from me and the reason for that was my depression and anxiety, it was really bad and I let it take control of my life. Thankfully though my mental health is better then it was and the desire to write blog posts has returned plus with upcoming events I thought now would be the perfect time to start blogging again.

Well that's it for today's post, I know it's a short one but I have to start working on my next post which will be live on my blog in the next few days so keep your eyes peeled for that. Until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

You can also follow me on 

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Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
Spoonie bookworms goodreads group
Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

I am broken

Hello there everyone, it's been a very long time since I last wrote a blog post and there has been a reason for that and I am sure that some of you can guess by the title what has been happening.

I have been suffering from depression for a number of years but last year it started to get  a lot worse and instead of asking for help again I just let it get worse and worse and a couple of weeks ago I reached my breaking point and had to get an emergency appointment with a G.P. as I was having thoughts of it would be better not to live plus many more symptoms.

• lack of energy which I originally put down to anaemia but apparently lack of energy is one of the symptoms
• feeling tired which again I put down to anaemia and medication I was taking
• getting agitated when around people
• not wanting to spend time with others
• shutting myself in my bedroom
• using dihydrocodiene to help numb the emotional pain
• finding it hard to cope with with everyday things including simple things
• not enjoying what I normally enjoy doing
• not looking after myself properly e.g food
• having thoughts it would be easier not to live
• trouble sleeping because I can't relax or switch my brain off
• not being able to stay asleep
• not being able to concentrate
• feeling that i have failed in life
• fear of something going wrong when out of the house that makes me land in hospital
• Scared that I become ill after say a trip away (this one and the one above are more related to anxiety)

I think the worst thing is I have all these symptoms despite being on 3 medications to help with my mental health and I am on 4 when I am really bad. The 3 medications that I take everyday are maximum dose citalopram which is an SSRI anti-depressant, a low dose 25mg of quetiapine which is used as anti-depressant also and maximum dose propranolol which is used for anxiety. You really would think with the amount of medication that I wouldn't be suffering with depression and anxiety so bad.

So the plan for the moment is to see the urgent care mental health team so they can review the medication I take and put some support in place to help me make improvements. I have been told that the improvements will be slow but any improvement is better then the way the life is right now.

I do have this massive bucket type list which I prefer to call my to do list ,which has all these big plans but I will tell you the smaller things I use to and want to get back to doing first.

• pc gaming 
• streaming on twitch 
• being with and riding horses 
• blogging
• cooking
• baking
• crafting
• reading books and comics
• going to the cinema
• going to concerts
• spending more time with animals

I think that is everything for this blog post. I am sure once I post it I will remember I forgot to write something else. I will try my very best to document my journey to getting better but with the way my depression is I sadly can't promise anything.

I hope you all are doing well and until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

You can also follow me on 

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Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
Spoonie bookworms goodreads group
Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group

Thursday 23rd June 2016

So I am not sure if this depression is linked to my hormones like I said in my previous post. I started my monthly's in the early hours of Tuesday morning and it is now two days later and my depression feels worse, if it had been hormone related I think I would be feeling better by now. 

There is just so many thoughts going through mind, an example is my life is pointless, I am not doing anything worthwhile but how am I suppose to do anything worthwhile when my health is so screwed up. I have dreams and goals like any normal person but how do I achieve them with this crap body of mine. There is so dreams and goals that I want to achieve but number one on that list is having my own horse, competing, working with horses and teaching people to ride. As you can imagine though working in the equestrian world is a very hard and demanding but I don't think I will ever be happy doing anything else. 

My head hurts so much, I can't see a way out of this, I just want these feelings to go away, these thoughts are so scary, all I want to do is sleep because I don't want to feel emotions anymore.

Previous post: Monday 20th June

        Next post: Monday 1st August    

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Monday 20th June 2016

My brain is broken big time.

The depression has been really bad over this past weekend, which I think is being caused by my hormones as it is coming up to my time of the month. There is this condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) which is a more severe form of premenstrual syndrome and apparently if you have a history of a mood or anxiety disorder, which I do it can mean you are at a higher risk of developing PMDD. My mood is low, I feel like my life is pointless but I don't feel suicidal which is good, hopefully it is just the hormones and I will feel better is a few days. 

One thing that probably hasn't helped is that this past Saturday I couldn't get to Redwing Riding School to spend time and go out on a hack. Every time I go there I have to get a lift from my dad and this Saturday my dad couldn't take me because he had something else to do. The thing is I can drive but the anxiety has made it hard and I am scared that if I have an accident that my insurance won't cover it. I really want to get back to driving because that would mean that my time there wouldn't be restricted, the woman who owns the riding school said that I could go there anytime and spend time with horses and ponies but obiviously my dad works full time. Before I can even think about driving again I need to get my eyes tested, I can't actually tell you when I last had them done, it must be more then 5 years ago. I have a phobia of someone putting something in my eye which is why I can't wear contact lenses so an appointment at the opticians is a massive anxiety/panic attack trigger, maybe one day I will get them tested. 


Previous post: Having all my teeth removed

        Next post: Thursday 23rd June  

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Saturday 14th March 2015

So it's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote because I ended up going through a bad period of depression once again. If you read my previous blog post then you will know that I lost another one of my top front teeth. It's very safe to say that this has ruined my confidence completely and also my plans to go to a wedding reception, which actually took place last night went out the window. 

I get so sick of battling with depression, I may be on a high dose of anti-depressants but they never seem to do anything for me. When I mentioned this to my GP (general practitioner) he suggested that I change from citaolopram to escitalopram (both antidepressants) and I thought to myself is that not basically the same medication? I honestly don't think the change in medication is going to be the answer to my problems because I really only get depressed when my physical health takes a turn for the worst, so if  my physical health improves my mental health improves.

I think I am going to a bit of research and see if I can find any other things that might help. There must be some alternative to taking medication that has a load of side effects and interacts with the other meds that I am taking.  


Previous post - Saturday 28th February                                                       
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Tuesday 17th February 2015

So it's been 2 weeks since I last wrote a diary entry because I am struggling really bad with depression. I know that you are probably all sick of hearing about my depression but this blog is about my life and depression is part of my life even though I don't want it to be.

January is always one of those months were my depression is noticeably worse but we are now more then half way through February and I do not feel any better. When I am suffering this bad with depression it is extremely hard for me to function so I am really bad at looking after myself because I honestly get to the point where I do not care. I really do try my hardest to do at least one productive thing, which is normally to make pureed food for myself but that doesn't always happen and I will go a few days with out eating properly. 

I really do wish I knew why these extremely bad periods of depression keep happening especially when I take anti depressants. The mind is a really complicated thing so I probably will never know what causes it, I just wish there was a cure for depression.

Previous post - Tuesday 3rd February                                                               
                                                                                             Next post - Friday 20th February

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Thursday 22nd January 2015

So I have made a big decision and a lot of people will think I am mad but I don't care one little bit because I am doing this for my own happiness nobody else's.

As mentioned in the previous post you will remember me saying that I thought  my disgusting teeth or should I say that they are! one of the triggers for my depression and agoraphobia, well I have made decision to have them all removed and get myself a full set of false teeth. I have always been one of those people who has struggled with body confidence over the years but thankfully as I have gotten older I struggle less with the body confidence issues. I actually consider myself to be very lucky is some aspects, I have lovely skin and I have a pretty decent stomach considering I have had operations on it but these teeth I cannot stand to look at them.

I have explained this decision to my family and they are very supportive so all I need to do now is find a dentist that will remove the ones that I have left because I have a funny feeling that my current dentist will say no. The dentist that I have at moment always tries to repair my teeth which I don't want and if I do need any removed or should I say roots removed he sends me to the maxillofacial unit at the hospital as he classes me as high risk patient because of all my medical problems. When I have had some teeth "roots" removed at hospital there has never been any issues because I always get a course of antibiotics and antibacterial mouthwash so I don't see why can't he just removed them. 


Previous post - Sunday 18th January                                                                  
                                                                                              Next post - Thursday 3rd February

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Sunday 18th January 2015

I am really, really, really sorry that I have fallen so far behind with my blog posts but I have been dealing with some personal problems that I am not ready to disclose yet and as well as that I have also been sick. :( 

Last night was a bad night because depression hit me really hard once again. I normally find it hard to pin point what exactly causes the episodes of depression but this time I have a good idea why. 

Number 1 on the list of causes is my teeth. My teeth are absolutely disgusting and I have to say that they are probably one of the main causes of my agoraphobia. Over the past 15 years my poor health, bouts of malnutrition and bad genes has led me to have major teeth issues, every single one of my teeth are rotten and I am currently missing 3 teeth soon to be 4 as one of them is a bit  wobbly.

Number 2 on the list is not being able to see my favourite bands. On Thursday (15th Jan) tickets for the Fall Out Boy UK show's went on sale and as per normal my local venue is standing only which of course is not any use to me because I cannot stand for long periods of times. Now don't get me wrong I totally understand why people want to stand but it is extremely unfair for those who love music but can't go to see their favourite bands because there is no seating. Another concert that I wanted to go to was The Script but the only seating that is available is for disabled people. I may have multiple illnesses but I have never classed myself as being disabled plus my illnesses invisible so unless I pull up my shirt then you can't tell that I have medical problems. To me it feels wrong to buy disabled tickets but then I always think to myself how am I ever going to get to concert's at my local venue?

Previous post - Tuesday 12th January                                                                  
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