I am broken

Hello there everyone, it's been a very long time since I last wrote a blog post and there has been a reason for that and I am sure that some of you can guess by the title what has been happening.

I have been suffering from depression for a number of years but last year it started to get  a lot worse and instead of asking for help again I just let it get worse and worse and a couple of weeks ago I reached my breaking point and had to get an emergency appointment with a G.P. as I was having thoughts of it would be better not to live plus many more symptoms.

• lack of energy which I originally put down to anaemia but apparently lack of energy is one of the symptoms
• feeling tired which again I put down to anaemia and medication I was taking
• getting agitated when around people
• not wanting to spend time with others
• shutting myself in my bedroom
• using dihydrocodiene to help numb the emotional pain
• finding it hard to cope with with everyday things including simple things
• not enjoying what I normally enjoy doing
• not looking after myself properly e.g food
• having thoughts it would be easier not to live
• trouble sleeping because I can't relax or switch my brain off
• not being able to stay asleep
• not being able to concentrate
• feeling that i have failed in life
• fear of something going wrong when out of the house that makes me land in hospital
• Scared that I become ill after say a trip away (this one and the one above are more related to anxiety)

I think the worst thing is I have all these symptoms despite being on 3 medications to help with my mental health and I am on 4 when I am really bad. The 3 medications that I take everyday are maximum dose citalopram which is an SSRI anti-depressant, a low dose 25mg of quetiapine which is used as anti-depressant also and maximum dose propranolol which is used for anxiety. You really would think with the amount of medication that I wouldn't be suffering with depression and anxiety so bad.

So the plan for the moment is to see the urgent care mental health team so they can review the medication I take and put some support in place to help me make improvements. I have been told that the improvements will be slow but any improvement is better then the way the life is right now.

I do have this massive bucket type list which I prefer to call my to do list ,which has all these big plans but I will tell you the smaller things I use to and want to get back to doing first.

• pc gaming 
• streaming on twitch 
• being with and riding horses 
• blogging
• cooking
• baking
• crafting
• reading books and comics
• going to the cinema
• going to concerts
• spending more time with animals

I think that is everything for this blog post. I am sure once I post it I will remember I forgot to write something else. I will try my very best to document my journey to getting better but with the way my depression is I sadly can't promise anything.

I hope you all are doing well and until next time................

Keep strong

and 

Keep fighting

💓💙💚💛💜 

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Groups I have set up for my chronically ill family
The IBD family facebook group
Spoonie bookworms goodreads group
Spoonie warrior gamers steam group
Chronically ill and disabled equestrian's facebook group