So I am not sure if this depression is linked to my hormones like I said in my previous post. I started my monthly's in the early hours of Tuesday morning and it is now two days later and my depression feels worse, if it had been hormone related I think I would be feeling better by now.
There is just so many thoughts going through mind, an example is my life is pointless, I am not doing anything worthwhile but how am I suppose to do anything worthwhile when my health is so screwed up. I have dreams and goals like any normal person but how do I achieve them with this crap body of mine. There is so dreams and goals that I want to achieve but number one on that list is having my own horse, competing, working with horses and teaching people to ride. As you can imagine though working in the equestrian world is a very hard and demanding but I don't think I will ever be happy doing anything else.
My head hurts so much, I can't see a way out of this, I just want these feelings to go away, these thoughts are so scary, all I want to do is sleep because I don't want to feel emotions anymore.
Previous post: Monday 20th June
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My brain is broken big time.
The depression has been really bad over this past weekend, which I think is being caused by my hormones as it is coming up to my time of the month. There is this condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) which is a more severe form of premenstrual syndrome and apparently if you have a history of a mood or anxiety disorder, which I do it can mean you are at a higher risk of developing PMDD. My mood is low, I feel like my life is pointless but I don't feel suicidal which is good, hopefully it is just the hormones and I will feel better is a few days.
One thing that probably hasn't helped is that this past Saturday I couldn't get to Redwing Riding School to spend time and go out on a hack. Every time I go there I have to get a lift from my dad and this Saturday my dad couldn't take me because he had something else to do. The thing is I can drive but the anxiety has made it hard and I am scared that if I have an accident that my insurance won't cover it. I really want to get back to driving because that would mean that my time there wouldn't be restricted, the woman who owns the riding school said that I could go there anytime and spend time with horses and ponies but obiviously my dad works full time. Before I can even think about driving again I need to get my eyes tested, I can't actually tell you when I last had them done, it must be more then 5 years ago. I have a phobia of someone putting something in my eye which is why I can't wear contact lenses so an appointment at the opticians is a massive anxiety/panic attack trigger, maybe one day I will get them tested.
Previous post: Having all my teeth removed
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So it's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote because I ended up going through a bad period of depression once again. If you read my previous blog post then you will know that I lost another one of my top front teeth. It's very safe to say that this has ruined my confidence completely and also my plans to go to a wedding reception, which actually took place last night went out the window.
I get so sick of battling with depression, I may be on a high dose of anti-depressants but they never seem to do anything for me. When I mentioned this to my GP (general practitioner) he suggested that I change from citaolopram to escitalopram (both antidepressants) and I thought to myself is that not basically the same medication? I honestly don't think the change in medication is going to be the answer to my problems because I really only get depressed when my physical health takes a turn for the worst, so if my physical health improves my mental health improves.
I think I am going to a bit of research and see if I can find any other things that might help. There must be some alternative to taking medication that has a load of side effects and interacts with the other meds that I am taking.
Previous post - Saturday 28th February
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So it's been 2 weeks since I last wrote a diary entry because I am struggling really bad with depression. I know that you are probably all sick of hearing about my depression but this blog is about my life and depression is part of my life even though I don't want it to be.
January is always one of those months were my depression is noticeably worse but we are now more then half way through February and I do not feel any better. When I am suffering this bad with depression it is extremely hard for me to function so I am really bad at looking after myself because I honestly get to the point where I do not care. I really do try my hardest to do at least one productive thing, which is normally to make pureed food for myself but that doesn't always happen and I will go a few days with out eating properly.
I really do wish I knew why these extremely bad periods of depression keep happening especially when I take anti depressants. The mind is a really complicated thing so I probably will never know what causes it, I just wish there was a cure for depression.
Previous post - Tuesday 3rd February
Next post - Friday 20th February
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