So it's been 2 weeks since I last wrote a diary entry because I am struggling really bad with depression. I know that you are probably all sick of hearing about my depression but this blog is about my life and depression is part of my life even though I don't want it to be.
January is always one of those months were my depression is noticeably worse but we are now more then half way through February and I do not feel any better. When I am suffering this bad with depression it is extremely hard for me to function so I am really bad at looking after myself because I honestly get to the point where I do not care. I really do try my hardest to do at least one productive thing, which is normally to make pureed food for myself but that doesn't always happen and I will go a few days with out eating properly.
I really do wish I knew why these extremely bad periods of depression keep happening especially when I take anti depressants. The mind is a really complicated thing so I probably will never know what causes it, I just wish there was a cure for depression.
Previous post - Tuesday 3rd February
Next post - Friday 20th February
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It has been a little while since I last wrote because I ended up getting a stupid cold which in turn set off a Crohn's flare but today was my birthday so nothing to bring down my mood.
This year I turned the grand old age of 27 which sounds like a really nice age to me, if I could stop aging now then that would be great, lol. Each year I normally have to buy my own birthday gifts but this year I didn't have to which was nice because I always love to get a surprise when I open my presents.
Of course a birthday wouldn't be complete without a birthday cake and this year I managed to eat 2 slices of cake :)
I honestly thought that I would not be able to eat any cake this year because at the moment I only seem to be able to eat thin pureed food with no lumps at all but I was really careful when I ate the slices so it went down with no major problems.
Previous post - Thursday 22nd January
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So I have made a big decision and a lot of people will think I am mad but I don't care one little bit because I am doing this for my own happiness nobody else's.
As mentioned in the previous post you will remember me saying that I thought my disgusting teeth or should I say that they are! one of the triggers for my depression and agoraphobia, well I have made decision to have them all removed and get myself a full set of false teeth. I have always been one of those people who has struggled with body confidence over the years but thankfully as I have gotten older I struggle less with the body confidence issues. I actually consider myself to be very lucky is some aspects, I have lovely skin and I have a pretty decent stomach considering I have had operations on it but these teeth I cannot stand to look at them.
I have explained this decision to my family and they are very supportive so all I need to do now is find a dentist that will remove the ones that I have left because I have a funny feeling that my current dentist will say no. The dentist that I have at moment always tries to repair my teeth which I don't want and if I do need any removed or should I say roots removed he sends me to the maxillofacial unit at the hospital as he classes me as high risk patient because of all my medical problems. When I have had some teeth "roots" removed at hospital there has never been any issues because I always get a course of antibiotics and antibacterial mouthwash so I don't see why can't he just removed them.
Previous post - Sunday 18th January
Next post - Thursday 3rd February
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I am really, really, really sorry that I have fallen so far behind with my blog posts but I have been dealing with some personal problems that I am not ready to disclose yet and as well as that I have also been sick. :(
Last night was a bad night because depression hit me really hard once again. I normally find it hard to pin point what exactly causes the episodes of depression but this time I have a good idea why.
Number 1 on the list of causes is my teeth. My teeth are absolutely disgusting and I have to say that they are probably one of the main causes of my agoraphobia. Over the past 15 years my poor health, bouts of malnutrition and bad genes has led me to have major teeth issues, every single one of my teeth are rotten and I am currently missing 3 teeth soon to be 4 as one of them is a bit wobbly.
Number 2 on the list is not being able to see my favourite bands. On Thursday (15th Jan) tickets for the Fall Out Boy UK show's went on sale and as per normal my local venue is standing only which of course is not any use to me because I cannot stand for long periods of times. Now don't get me wrong I totally understand why people want to stand but it is extremely unfair for those who love music but can't go to see their favourite bands because there is no seating. Another concert that I wanted to go to was The Script but the only seating that is available is for disabled people. I may have multiple illnesses but I have never classed myself as being disabled plus my illnesses invisible so unless I pull up my shirt then you can't tell that I have medical problems. To me it feels wrong to buy disabled tickets but then I always think to myself how am I ever going to get to concert's at my local venue?
Previous post - Tuesday 12th January
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Two good things have happened to me since I last wrote. Number 1, my pro makeup case came a day early and number 2, the person who runs the Cat's Protection blog liked the article that I wrote.
I submitted the article that I wrote to the Cat's Protection yesterday but I couldn't check my emails until this evening because I was just too chicken. I was really scared that I was going to get an email back from them saying that they did not like what I wrote but all that stress and worry was for nothing because they really liked it! Even though doing this guest post has caused me a good deal of stress and nervousness I am very glad that I did it because it has given me a much needed confidence boost when it comes to writing blog posts, I am not the thick person that people have told me that I am.
So as I said the pro makeup case that I ordered from amazon came a day early.
I wasn't exactly sure what the quality was going to be like as it is a good bit cheaper then the other makeup cases on the internet but I don't think you could actually get a better quality case. Now I just need to start building up my kit which is not going to be easy because building up a good kit is going to cost a quite a bit of money plus there is a lot of products that I want to test out on myself before I put it into my professional kit.
Previous post - Tuesday 12th January
Next post - Sunday 18th January
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So I have been given the opportunity to write a guest blog post for one of my favourite charities, the Cat's Protection. For Blue Monday (January 19th) the Cat's Protection are doing posts on the health benefits of a cat and their purr. I have to admit I am very nervous but I am also very excited because it will be the very first guest blog post that I have ever written so I really, really, really hope they like it. When it comes to writing I am not exactly very confident (plus I am very bad at criticising myself) but that is all due to what happened when I was at High School. I was off school a lot after being diagnosed with Crohn's because a) I was sick and b) I was badly bullied because I was different and overweight due to being on steroids, so when at school I was treated as the waste of space kid. I was always having difficultly with writing and numbers but it was all due to me being dyslexic, actually the first time I ever heard of dyslexia was after I left school. Despite all these confidence issues I really do want to write this post because without the Cat's Protection I would have never got my little bug Snowball, she is one of the best things to ever happen in my life.
Today I also took the plunge and decided to buy myself a makeup artist case. This is the year that I have decided to put makeup work out there. I am not sure how easy it will be to become a freelance makeup artist because I don't have any certificates and in this day and age everybody needs to have qualifications regardless of what skills they have. The one thing about me is I am determined, passionate, hard working and stubborn so if I want to do something I will do it.
Previous post - Friday 9th January
Next post - Friday 16th January
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I made a horrible discovery last night and I really hope that it's not what I think it is.
So last night I had to ask my mum to have a look at were my rectum use to be and yes I know you all probably think that this is weird but I had nobody else to ask and my mum used to work in the hospital so she has seen some not nice things before. When she had a look she noticed what looked to be a small hole and of course this send me into a mild panic because is it a fistula or has bum reopened. I hope that it is not a fistula as I really don't want another one but the thought that my rectal wound has opened up again just devastates me because I really had thought that last operation had worked.
Making horrible discovery's is never good for my bank balance because I am a comfort shopper. I used to be a comfort eater or should I say binge eater but of course I can't really do that anymore so I turn to shopping to make myself better. I knew that Illamasqua was having a sale and I have always wanted to try their eyeshadows, so I purchased 12 of the shadows that are in the sale as well as a nail polish and a cream pigment. If you are familiar with the Illamasqua brand then you will know that they are a high end brand but all the products that I bought were 60% off so instead of paying £218 I payed £88, it's safe to say that I am one happy bunny.
Previous post - Tuesday 6th January
Next post - Tuesday 12th January
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