So since my last diary entry things have been up and now, especially with my grumpy guts. I have developed this pain on the left hand side above my ostomy/stoma and also sometimes my bowels or should I say bowel feels really clogged up. In normal circumstances I would think I have some sort of obstruction but how can I have an obstruction when I don't eat any solid food. It honestly doesn't make any sense but when does anything make sense when it comes to my health problems, in the words of doctor's I am complicated.
Today I had my 2nd assessment appointment with the Occupational Therapist and it went as well as the first one did, we talked some more about the things I have phobias of, which is surprise, surprise is hospital's and medical tests. Also today we discussed what goals I would like to achieve and I also mentioned how I thought the medication that I was on wasn't making any difference to my anxiety and depression. So the outcome of the appointment was that I am to start desensitization, I have know I idea what it is about but she did give some material to read on desensitization.
As well as the desensitization she is going is going to arrange an appointment for me to see the community psychiatrist so that I can get the medication that I am on reassessed so maybe I will get something that actually works. The final thing we discussed was going out of the house, so next Thursday she is going to come and I am going to attempt to go out in the car, which is going to be very interesting. I think the key thing for me to do is not over think the situation but I am one of these people who does over think situation's and worries about what could possibly go wrong.
Previous post - Monday 6th October Next post - Sunday 19th October
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Apologies for this diary entry being posted late but I have been struggling with my physical health and I have also had really bad brain fog these last few days so I am really sorry if this post doesn't make sense in places.
The depression has seemed to have past and I am feeling a bit happier and more positive now. I always find it really difficult at this time of year because a lot bad things have happened to me in October so it always brings back a lot of bad memories plus I also think I have a touch of seasonal affective disorder.
So today was my first session with the occupational therapist and it went really well, she is a really lovely, friendly Irish woman so I felt totally at ease when I was speaking to her. The plan that the community mental health team have at the moment is for the occupational therapist to do 2-3 assessment appointments and then she will go back and speak to the psychologist, they will then decide on which form of treatment I will need but because I am already on anti depressants and beta blockers it will probably be something like cognitive behavioural therapy or counselling.
As I said the appointment went really well and I think that is probably due to the fact that she understands about anxiety problems and depression, unlike my GI team who do not seem to have a clue. It really helps to speak to somebody who has some knowledge of these types of issues because it makes you feel a lot less stupid, sometimes when you speak to people who have never had any experience with anxiety or depression they make you feel stupid and even in some cases they like to make fun of your problems which is just plain nasty.
Previous post - Thursday 2nd October Next post - Wednesday 15th October
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So since I last wrote (Thurs 25th Sept) nothing much has really changed I am still struggling with my mood and the extra stress that I am being put under is not helping matters plus my grumpy guts are starting to play up now because of the stress.
So on Tuesday I got another letter from the GI clinic with another appointment for the 20th of October. I have already told them a few times now that I have agoraphobia and I said that I will either phone my GI's secetary or IBD nurse to tell them when I am able to go to appointments again but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. The other doctor that I am having issues with is a new GP who has recently joined the health centre that I go to. This GP keeps putting notes on any prescriptions that I order saying that my review appointment is over due but it's not. My review appointment was due on the 24th June so on the 26th June I had a phone appointment (as I couldn't go out of the house) with the GP that I regularly see, we discussed the issues that I was having with my anxiety, depression and Crohn's and he told me to say on the same medication that I was on. I really would wish this new GP would mind their own business especially as I have never seen them before.
One good thing that has happened since I last wrote is I got my Debenhams order on Saturday.
Last week Debenhams was doing 10% off all beauty and fragrance so I decided to take full advantage of the discount plus I thought to I deserve to treat myself to something that makes me happy after all the crap I have had to deal with recently. I always suffer from criticism when I buy make up, every body's like you have enough makeup already, you are never going to use it all but this is my hobby, it's what I love and it's make me happy so I am going to continue buying it.
Previous post - Thursday 25th September Next post - Monday 6th October
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I really wish I could say that things stayed happy and positive but they didn't things finally got on top of me and I ended up being in a very bad head space today.
As I said in the previous diary entry on Tuesday I had a bit of a rough day well the rough day's continued yesterday and today, with today being worst day so far. On Tuesday I was just having Crohn's related problems but on Wednesday my bladder and kidneys decided that they were going to join in too and today I had a parcial obstruction. I have absolutely know idea how I even got this parical blockage because I can't eat solid food due to the oesophageal stricture's being to narrow.
After having 3 days full of problems I had a mini meltdown and just wanted to give up. I am sick of being in pain, I am sick of feeling sick, I am sick of not being able to eat properly, I am sick of being dehydrated, I am sick of fighting with health care professionals to get treatment, I am just sick of everything. When am I going to feel better, when will I be able to live the life that I want.
Previous post - Tuesday 23rd September
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So today has been a bit of a rough day as I have had sickness and pain on and off all day but despite that I have felt really positive.
I think my positivity is due to having such a good week last week, I honestly haven't had such a good week in a long time. The Crohn's and dysphagia didn't cause to many problems, I didn't feel that depressed, I was able to go out of the house for the first time in 5 months and I have finally managed to get my sleeping pattern back to normal.
I really do hope that this positive mood will last and that this week will be as good as last week.
Previous post - Thursday 18th September
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Today was a good day because....... I went out of the house! I went of the house!! I went out of the house!!!
I think it has been over 5 months since I was last out in a public place, granted it was only for 10 minutes and the place that I went to was really quiet but it's better then not going out at all. On Wednesday I planned to go and vote at the village public hall the following day, by Thursday morning I had changed my mind and decided that I wasn't going but in the late afternoon something changed and I thought screw it I am going to go. So I shoved on some clothes and went out with no makeup on because I thought by the time I have put on makeup I will probably chicken out again. As I was going out of the house I felt like I was in this small bubble, my heart was racing and I started to sweat so bad, I just kept telling myself in my head that everything was going to be fine, nothing was going to happen and of course in the end everything was fine.
I have been thinking about what my next goal should be and I think it should be the village shop. The village shop isn't that much further away from my house then the public hall but it will be busier. There is one other place that I really want to go and that is the beach because I desperately want to try out that new zoom lens that I for my camera a few weeks back but I don't know if it is a good idea just yet because the beach is 10 minutes away from my house.
Previous post - Saturday 13th September
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This week didn't really get off to the best of starts because the oesophageal stricture's of course wanted to play havoc once again. On Sunday when I last wrote I was able to drink small sips but the stricture's closed up again completely and then on Thursday it mysteriously opened up. When I woke up on Thursday morning I had to bring up the saliva that didn't go down during the night and I couldn't drink, but by night time I was able to drink and just not the small sips either large sips was going down. These stricture's make absolutely no sense at all, once stricture's are narrowed the only way to get the open again is by dilation, they don't open by themselves.
So I finally cooked this week. (Cooking and baking are some of my favourite hobbies but it has been a long time since last I did any cooking because it makes me upset as I can't eat the finished thing) It felt really good doing something that I love, despite not being able to eat it. I was orginally going to cook Sichuan-style pork & green bean stir-fry for the family but I could not find any Sichuan pepper where I live. Thankfully I did mange to find another recipe, Black Bean Pork with Noodles that used most of ingredients that I bought for the stir-fry.
I honestly cannot wait to cook again so much so that I have already decided on what I want to cook next, Lemon Parmesan Pasta with Chicken which is a recipe that I found on pinterest. I really want to start baking again as well but I really need to buy myself a food mixer because I certainly do not have the strength to use a hand held mixer anymore.
Previous post - Sunday 7th September
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