Thursday 23rd June 2016

So I am not sure if this depression is linked to my hormones like I said in my previous post. I started my monthly's in the early hours of Tuesday morning and it is now two days later and my depression feels worse, if it had been hormone related I think I would be feeling better by now. 

There is just so many thoughts going through mind, an example is my life is pointless, I am not doing anything worthwhile but how am I suppose to do anything worthwhile when my health is so screwed up. I have dreams and goals like any normal person but how do I achieve them with this crap body of mine. There is so dreams and goals that I want to achieve but number one on that list is having my own horse, competing, working with horses and teaching people to ride. As you can imagine though working in the equestrian world is a very hard and demanding but I don't think I will ever be happy doing anything else. 

My head hurts so much, I can't see a way out of this, I just want these feelings to go away, these thoughts are so scary, all I want to do is sleep because I don't want to feel emotions anymore.

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Monday 20th June 2016

My brain is broken big time.

The depression has been really bad over this past weekend, which I think is being caused by my hormones as it is coming up to my time of the month. There is this condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) which is a more severe form of premenstrual syndrome and apparently if you have a history of a mood or anxiety disorder, which I do it can mean you are at a higher risk of developing PMDD. My mood is low, I feel like my life is pointless but I don't feel suicidal which is good, hopefully it is just the hormones and I will feel better is a few days. 

One thing that probably hasn't helped is that this past Saturday I couldn't get to Redwing Riding School to spend time and go out on a hack. Every time I go there I have to get a lift from my dad and this Saturday my dad couldn't take me because he had something else to do. The thing is I can drive but the anxiety has made it hard and I am scared that if I have an accident that my insurance won't cover it. I really want to get back to driving because that would mean that my time there wouldn't be restricted, the woman who owns the riding school said that I could go there anytime and spend time with horses and ponies but obiviously my dad works full time. Before I can even think about driving again I need to get my eyes tested, I can't actually tell you when I last had them done, it must be more then 5 years ago. I have a phobia of someone putting something in my eye which is why I can't wear contact lenses so an appointment at the opticians is a massive anxiety/panic attack trigger, maybe one day I will get them tested. 


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Having all my teeth removed

So a lot has been happening since I have last posted on here, so lets begin.

Since I last posted I have had all my teeth removed or should I say the 25 that I had left and on boy that was not fun. After having 2 ostomy surgeries, teeth removed and many other procedures I honestly didn't think that it would be that bad but boy I was wrong. Everything started out well, instead of being 5th on the list I was bumped up to 3rd because some people didin't turn up and the anaesthetist managed to get her hands on a paediatric cannula which was so awesome, it was when I woke up afterwards that things went really bad. I was told that they would load me up with local anaesthetic so that I wouldn't be in to much pain when I woke up but that was not the case, when I came round I was in sooooooooooo much and I ended up getting 10mg of morphine through the cannula. Despite getting all that morphine I was still pain, the only time I have ever been still in quite a bit of pain after an op was when I had my ostomy surgeries, I was suppose to be discharge home that evening but thankfully I wasn't. 

That night was horrendous, I couldn't get to sleep because my face was so swollen, the pain would not settle and they refused to give me anymore morphine. They did give me extra dihydrocodiene but it really didn't take the edge off.

Day 1 (Wednesday) post op wasn't any better, the pain was still bad and I was starting to feel feverish. I mentioned this to the nurse who then took my temperature which was slightly up so they gave me a fan. As the day went on I was starting to feel worse but they still insisted in discharging me, so I went home. In the early hours of Thursday morning my temperature went up to 38.1C and I couldn't take anymore paracetamol as I already had taken the maximum dose for the day. So as much as I hate doctor's I went to the out of hours which was a big waste of time because they couldn't do anything, they did phone the ward that I had been on but the doctor who was on the ward told me to go home and come back to the dental clinic for 9am. I went back to hospital for 9am, they had a look in mouth and said it didn't look like I had an infection but they were going to give me a weeks worth of antibiotics anyway. 

I can not tell you how annoyed I was with the doctor's at dental. The day before I had the surgery I explained that I am very prone to infections (basically every surgical wound gets infected)) and that last time I had my teeth out which was only a couple I developed an infection afterwards but for some reason they thought that I wouldn't get an infection. I get so sick of telling doctor's things. I don't understand why they don't listen to me, I am not like a normal person I have been sick for 16 years and I know how my body reacts to things.

I am so glad that this is all over and I never have to go back and get more teeth removed, unfortunately though this experience has made my fear of hospitals worse and because of that I have cancelled a few hospital appointments because my anxiety has been so bad. 



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Saturday 16th April 2016

So I had my last horse riding lesson before D-Day (dental surgery). I am so glad that I was able to make it this week because after falling off Hamish two weeks ago I really wanted to get back in the saddle before my surgery as I don't know how long I will not be able to ride for after my operation.

Today I got to ride a new pony called Dougal who is a beautiful Highland.

This was my very first time riding a Highland and my first time riding a different pony, in previous lessons I was always ridden Hamish but I was struggling so my riding instructor thought I would be better riding Dougal. They are complete opposites, Hamish is more of a plod a long and because I am still quite weak at the moment it is hard for me to get him going. Dougal on the other hand is so responsive and forward going, the slightest squeeze of the leg and his pace speeds up, the slightest pull on the reins he slows down.

My anxiety and stress levels have been on the rise this week with the upcoming surgery, I have actually been told that the symptoms that I display are like PTSD and yes I have been through some traumatic hospital stays over the years but I don't think I have PTSD. 

Thankfully this week my physical health has improved, the stomach cramps, horrendous sickness and elevated temperature have all settled. I was starting to get concerned that they would not do the  surgery if I was unwell, I certainly don't want to go back on the waiting list and wait another 7 months. 


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Sunday 10th April 2016

This week has been a week I'd rather forget. It has been awful so much so I would rather fall off Hamish (the pony I was riding last Saturday) again then deal with this pain. 

The stomach pain began at the beginning of the week but of course when you have Crohn's pain in your stomach is certainly not an unusual thing. Through the week the pain has been getting progressively worse to the point that the maximum paracetamol and dihydrocodiene dose isn't helping. It's low down central pain and in a normal woman's body this would mean that it's probably woman related issues but with my small bowel dropping down into my pelvis it could be my bowel or it could be something really simple like a UTI, oh how I wish things could just be straight forward. As well as the pain I haven't been able to get my temperature under 37C, I have felt sick and had really bad acid reflux.

I know that I should have phoned the doctor and this weekend I seriously contemplated phoning the out of hours but I know they will probably admit me because there is nothing they can really do and that's what is stopping me from going. I cannot get over my fear of hospitals which is going to become a major issue. 


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It's been a long time

Well hello there, it's been a long time since I last posted and if you follow me on twitter you will know why there hasn't been a one.

Let's start at the beginning. On Friday the 12th of February my mum slipped on black ice and broke her tibial plateau (the tibial plateau is a critical weight-bearing area located on the upper extremity of the tibia) in her left leg so these last few months have been very hard for me and the rest of my family, especially my dad. Due to where my mum broke her leg it meant that she needed to have surgery to have a plate and screws puy in and she was not allowed to weight bear on her left for 6 weeks. With everything that has happened my mental and physical health has taken a battering and I just haven't been able to write posts as my brain has felt in a permanent daze and any time I have attempted to write a post they just haven't made any sense, to be honest I am not sure if I really want a reminder of these last couple months. 

In other news I have finally got a date to go into hospital to get all my teeth removed, I have had to wait 7 months for this date which frankly is absolutely ridiculous. At first my teeth weren't really that sore so I wasn't that fussed but in the middle of February I started to develop horrendous pain and my head felt like it was in a vice. Despite taking maximum doses of paracetamol and dihydrocodiene the pain would just not ease at all in the end the only thing that would help with the pain was anitbiotics. I am really nervous about getting this op done as every surgery I have had before has ended with me having wounds that open up and infections.

So lets get on to the good news and that is I started horse riding again!!!!!! I use to ride every week until I was diagnosed with Crohn's 16 years ago and since then I have only had the odd lesson here and there but this year I made the decision to ride as much as I possibly can despite the Crohn's, pelvic pain, fatigue and dysphagia. The riding lesson haven't certainly haven't been easy, every time I have a 1 hour lesson I come home and sleep for 5-7 hours. I do suffer with pain and dehydration but it is worth it because I have finally found something that helps with my well-being and every time I get on the horse I forget about all the crap that is happening plus it's great to be spending time with such beautiful animals.

That is all for today's post and once again I am sorry for not posting for such a long time, until my next post remember to keep strong and keep fighting. xx


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Friday 29th January 2016

This has been a really tough month for me, I have not been able to shake the depression at all but I refuse to go to the doctor. I know that I should probably go but I am not feeling suicidal plus all they will want to do is change the anti-depressants that I am on and they will want me to go and talk to someone which I have done numerous times before and it is a complete waste of time. Another thing is I find that anti-depressants aren't really the solution because they come with their own side effects that can just be as bad as the depression. 

If the depression wasn't bad enough I have been noticing that my Crohn's has been getting worse. I am getting pain in areas that I never normally get and my appetite isn't as good either which is a really bad situation because I honestly don't eat enough as it is. Also the fatigue and brain fog has been getting worse but that's no surprise seeing as I still haven't been able to get my iron infusion due to not getting my portacath.

This month I made the decision to book myself a horse riding lesson. Before I got sick I went for riding lessons every week and it was my dream to have my own horse, take part in competitions and teach other people to ride. I had hoped to start riding again after my first ostomy and rectum removel surgery but that didn't happen due to the large rectal wound that I developed because the stupid thing decided to burst open 2 weeks after surgery. It has now been nearly  2 years since I had the final surgery to close the wound completely and touch wood everything has been fine since so I thought now is the time to start riding again. I also thought that going back to something I love will help with my depression, anxiety and agrophobia seeing as nothing else seems to be working at the moment. 

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