So I have been quite upset these last few days and it's all due to not being able to have something that could or should I say would make my life better.
If you are a regular reader of my blog you will know that a) I live in the UK and b) I suffer from major anxiety issues and have been battling with an anxiety disorder called agoraphobia for over a year now. In the UK there is currently no organisation that trains Psychiatric Service Dogs but this week I discovered an organisation called Service Dogs Europe which is based in the Republic of Ireland but supply highly trained dogs to all of Europe.
You would not believe how elated I was when I found out that they served the UK but my elation was very short lived because when I told my family, who I have to stay with due to financial reasons said I could not have one. It really broke my heart when they said no because I felt that this is the only thing that is going to help me with my anxiety and agoraphobia, you would think someone would be happy and agree to something that is going to make your life better but obviously not. Also it's not like that pet therapy hasn't been proven to help me because since getting my cat Snowball my depression is better, I don't feel so alone anymore and I don't shut myself away in bedroom like I use to.
All I can really hope for is that either they change their mind or I find enough money to move into my own place.
Previous post - Sunday 13th April
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So I still have this stupid pain in my chest and despite putting my dose of pain killers back up they aren't helping to dull the pain. I have actually been thinking about buying myself a tens machine to see if that would help with that the pain, the only problem is I personally don't know anybody that uses a tens. The problem with not knowing somebody that uses it means I am having do online research but of course you can't believe everything you read on the internet. It would probably be easier if I just went to my GP and asked him about it but would a GP really know much about a tens machine?
Also this week I had a lovely reminder that a good number of people that I went to school with are married and that a few of them even have kids. The thing is it's not that I don't want to be in a relationship and to get married in fact I would love the happy ever after, it's just I haven't been able to find the right guy. It can be hard to find the right guy at the best of times but when you have chronic illness it can be a little bit harder. You need to find a man that isn't going to run away when things get tough because life certainly isn't easy sometimes and also it would help if he didn't freak out at the sight of blood or puke.
Previous post - Monday 6th April
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So it's been a wee while since I last wrote and that is for a couple of reasons.
If you read my previous post (16th March) you will know that I made the decision to stop taking my dihydrocodeine pain medication. I have to say the withdrawal wasn't actually as bad as I thought it was going to be but that was probably due to the fact that I decided not to go down the cold turkey route. I did originally think about doing the cold turkey route but after reading up about opiate withdrawal I changed my mind because I thought it was a bit too dangerous to do it by myself, so instead I decided to go from 4-5 tablets a day to 2 tablets a day. The main side effects that I had was feeling sick, feeling agitated, shivering and an upset stomach which meant I ended up with a higher ostomy output. The honest truth is the symptoms weren't any worse then a bad Crohn's flare, I don't know if what happened to me was normal because I heard and read so many stories about people being really unwell when they do this.
Everything went well for the first week and half but I then developed terrible back and shoulder pain as well as pain all round my ribcage. :( I tried my hardest not to put my dihydrocodiene dose back up but in the end I had no other choice because things were becoming more and more difficult. It's not the first time time that I have had inflammation in my chest, I actually think I have had inflammation in every part of my body these past 15 and a 1/2 years but it's jso annoying that it had to rear it's ugly head when I was just starting out with reducing the dose. I really hope this current flare up in my chest doesn't last too long or trigger inflammation off somewhere else because I want to get the dose back down to 2 dihydrocodiene tablets a day as so as possible.
Previous post - Monday 16th March
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Today I made a decision and it is probably one of my more crazy ideas but I think it will make a difference to my life, plus I know I will be happier and happiness equals feeling less depressed.
Soooooo I have decided to stop taking the dihydrocodeine pain medication (semi-synthetic opioid pain medication).
I have been taking these pain meds for the past 4-5 years so you can see why this is a crazy idea, especially when I still battle with pain every single day. Why have I decided to stop these pain killers you may ask well the mental and physical side effects of these tablets affect my day to day life and at the beginning of this year I made a promise to myself that I was going to get my life back on track and to do this I need to get rid of my non crohn's medication that have horrible side effects.
Today is day one of getting rid of these stupid tablets, well there not stupid really because they do help with pain but you know what I mean and so far things are going well. This day is probably going to easiest day out of all of them but at the moment I am determined to do this because I know that despite being in more pain then normal that I my life will be better due to the fact I will no longer have to deal with the horrible side effects.
Previous post - Saturday 14th March
Next post - Monday 6th April
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So it's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote because I ended up going through a bad period of depression once again. If you read my previous blog post then you will know that I lost another one of my top front teeth. It's very safe to say that this has ruined my confidence completely and also my plans to go to a wedding reception, which actually took place last night went out the window.
I get so sick of battling with depression, I may be on a high dose of anti-depressants but they never seem to do anything for me. When I mentioned this to my GP (general practitioner) he suggested that I change from citaolopram to escitalopram (both antidepressants) and I thought to myself is that not basically the same medication? I honestly don't think the change in medication is going to be the answer to my problems because I really only get depressed when my physical health takes a turn for the worst, so if my physical health improves my mental health improves.
I think I am going to a bit of research and see if I can find any other things that might help. There must be some alternative to taking medication that has a load of side effects and interacts with the other meds that I am taking.
Previous post - Saturday 28th February
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Today was a really good day but at night time disaster struck.
As I mentioned in my previous diary entry/post on Wednesday I ordered 2 wigs, well they arrived today!!! I haven't tried them on yet because my hair is a bit greasy so I would really like to wash it before I try them on but so far I would say they look okay. I also received another order today, when I was on Amazon on Wednesday night I also ordered a 1950's rockabilly dress and a net underskirt for a wedding reception of an old school friend that I have on the 14th March. Below is a picture of the dress that I ordered.
The dress looks as good as it does on the web and as much as my love my Victorian Gothic and Steampunk style I have always wanted to wear a rockabilly swing dress. I do have a couple of other things that I have to sort out, as what shoes do I wear? As much as I love high heels I can't where them at the moment because my legs are too weak and I get a lot of pain from my pelvis so it will definitely have to be flats. I do have a couple of options one pair is a grey skull flats from Iron Fist and the other pair is my purple converse, yes I know they are not the norm but I am sure you all know by now I don't do normal.
So after having a pretty decent day night time brought a big blow in the form of my teeth once again. Tonight was the night that I lost another top front tooth so now I only have one top front tooth left. I knew that this would probably happen at some point but the time timing real does fucking suck, I was so looking to forward to going to this wedding reception but there is no way that I can bring myself to go now.
Previous post - Monday 23rd February
Next post - Sunday 15th March
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Hello my fellow warrior's, I hope you are all doing okay. I just wanted to do an update post to tell you what's been going on and why there hasn't been any blog posts for a wee while.
So basically things have been happening one thing after the other at which is the reason why there hasn't been any activity on here. I am going to be writing catch up posts about everything that has happened over the past month.
Okay that it is it for today's post. Always try to keep strong and positive because you are a superhero, love you all. xx
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